Process of Finding The One

Jasbina Ahluwalia asks Dr. Jan Yager – Author of the book 125 Ways to Meet the Love of Your Life: One question many people wonder is, how do you know if someone is the one? From your extensive research and professional experience, how do you generally answer that question?


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Dr. Jan Yager

Dating is the Process of Finding The One

It sounds silly but my definition is that the person makes your knees buckle.


Jasbina Ahluwalia

I always say that how you feel with that person is really important. There is a feeling.


Dr. Jan Yager

Definitely. I think it’s a feeling.

There are so few things in our lives that are that powerful. I think it happens with love.

It also happens when you go on a job interview.

You’re being told about a job and you get this gnawing feeling inside you. You think, “Wow, I really want this job.” Then you could also have the feeling of, “I really don’t think this is the right job for me but I have to make a living so I’m going to take this job offer even though it’s not right.”


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Process of Finding The One: Dating

I think that’s part of the whole meeting someone. That’s why dating is such a good option.

The more opportunities you have available, the less likely you’re just going to pick anyone because you’re in the mindset that you want to get married.

You want to have those feelings.


Jasbina Ahluwalia

Speaking of that, in terms of that process, there is a quote that I want to share from one of your books.

The Whole Process of Finding the One

I’ll share the quote with our listeners and then ask you to expand. “Too many singles are so fearful of commitment or so impatient to find a mature love relationship that they avoid on the one hand or sometimes jump over the slow, un-frenzied message of getting to know someone.” It’s that whole process.


Dr. Jan Yager

That’s so pivotal.

Process of Finding The One: No Timestamp

It’s interesting because the process of getting to know someone isn’t always a time issue.

When I met my husband, we got married 23 days later. A lot happened in those 23 days.

Within a week, we were almost inseparable for those many days. Then we decided on a Friday to get married on a Sunday. When we called and invited people to the wedding, they were thrilled for us. A lot of them would say, “But who is so-and-so?”


Jasbina Ahluwalia

Some people in your life hadn’t met him yet because it hadn’t been that long.


Dr. Jan Yager

Process of Finding The One Based on Feeling

Exactly. It was such a strong feeling.

I don’t recommend that for everyone. It just happened to work out for Fred and I.

We talked earlier about timing. We had both been in relationships that lasted four years that hadn’t gone where we wanted it to go. At the point that we met, we had that other experience that was extended and didn’t lead to what we wanted.

We had both been dating quite a bit. It was a really strong, powerful feeling.

Your Process of Finding The One

I was doing a radio show. A woman called in. She said, “I’m really upset because my daughter is involved with someone and she doesn’t seem to have time for me. She doesn’t even want to know what I think of this man that she’s in love with.”

I said, “Bravo. That’s wonderful.” I get worried when people say to me, “I wonder what my girlfriends think of so-and-so.”

You’re going to be the person living with this person for the rest of your life. You’re the person who has to feel in your gut that he or she is the one. That’s what’s important.

If you’re so insecure and uncertain that you’re taking a poll of your relatives and friends, those is not the kind of really strong dealings that are going to take you through the up and down times.

We didn’t get a chance to talk about expectations.


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Jasbina Ahluwalia

Process of Finding The One Without Other’s Expectations

I was going to say that’s exactly what that sounds like. It’s other’s expectations.

It can be difficult to do. You have to separate what’s important to you based on your own values, priorities, beliefs and what other’s expectations may be.

That may or may not be as important to you or as relevant for the long term.


Dr. Jan Yager

In India, we have Bollywood and in America we have Hollywood. I’m the co-author of a book on film.

My husband and I are close to having one of our romantic comedies optioned. I love film. I love Hollywood. I think it’s sad that too many people don’t separate Hollywood and Bollywood from what relationships are in the long term.

The day-to-day is exciting and the long term is exciting.


Process of Finding The One Without Losing Yourself

It’s romantic but there is also the day-to-day. There are also the disappointments. The upside is so wonderful.

Often, someone will say to me, “I’m disappointed in my spouse or my romantic partner because of X, Y and Z.”

You ask them, “How do you feel about yourself? What’s going on in your life?”

Then they suddenly realize, “That’s true. I’m putting all the focus on this other person that I thought would make everything better and go away. Yes, I still have to take care of myself.”


Tell Us:

In the process of finding the one, what lessons did you learn? Share your notes with us in the comments section below.


The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Dr. Jan Yager.

The entire interview transcript is at: Dr. Jan Yager Interview – 125 Ways to Meet the Love of Your Life

Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show

Listen to the entire interview on Blog Talk Radio: 125 Wats to Meet the Love of Your Life – Dr. Jan Yager

Listen to the entire interview on iTunes