Find Love Through Clarity

Jasbina Ahluwalia asks Susan Winter – Author of the book ‘Allowing Magnificence: Living the Expanded Version of Your Life’: Do you have any suggestions for the listeners who are seeking a mate in terms of what to consider? I know you mentioned clarity, which I think is a great starting point. What are the things that listeners would be well advised to consider for themselves when seeking a mate?


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Susan Winter

The first thing, like you said, is clarity.

Speak Up to Find Love

You have to know what you want and don’t be afraid to speak it.

Let’s say you are on a first date and they say, “What are you looking for?” You say, “I want to get married and have a family. I want to find a life partner and build a wonderful, dynamic life.”

If you’re hesitant to say that, please don’t be. It’s valuable information.

It doesn’t mean that person has to be the one. You should never feel ashamed to say whatever you want.

Let’s say that you’re in a transitional phase and you haven’t done a lot of dating. Maybe you finished grad school and you didn’t get a chance to play.


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You say, “I just want to have a good time. I want a meaningful relationship but I just want to have a good time. I don’t know if I will want to be in it for the long haul, but this is what I’d like to experience. I’d like closeness. I’d like to experience a lover who I can take to visit my friends. I’d like to have a travel partner. I’d like to see someone a couple of times a week.”

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I think it’s absolutely wonderful to have the courage to be that honest and that clear about what you want to experience. It gives the person on the other end the ability to think it over.

Again, don’t ever feel badly about being that specific.

While you will certainly lose a number of people who don’t want what you want, you will absolutely gain the one who wants what you want.

You don’t want hundreds. You want the one.

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You want the one who wants what you want.

Even if you paired with someone who pretended or they were unclear, eventually, that would be a problem. If you’re unclear, they’re going to be unclear. Know what you want.

I would factor in the qualities that you want to experience in your relationship and the qualities that are most important in your partner:

  • How important is travel?
  • How do you work out each person’s job?
  • What is your end goal?
  • How do you see the relationship functioning in terms of your work life?
  • How do you see it functioning in terms of if you’re going to have children?

Partner selection is the ability to look at someone and say, “This person has the individual qualities that I admire and respect in the long run.”

It’s so interesting. If we were doing a business deal together, I would certainly be asking you all sorts of questions:

  1. What is your mission statement?
  2. What do you believe in with your company?
  3. What is so important about your product or service?

Yet, we’re so afraid to ask that when we’re choosing a life partner.


Jasbina Ahluwalia

Yes, it’s ironic.


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Susan Winter

It is ironic. We don’t hesitate when we’re analyzing who would be an ally in business or who we should be involved with.

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We look at:

  • What they stand for
  • How they function
  • How ethical they are
  • How much they will tolerate risk

We don’t ever think about this when we’re looking at the most important selection, which will be our mate.

These are things that have to be more important than, “They’re hot. They’re cute. They’re sexy. They drive a great car.”

Those things are going to be very transient.

The other questions are imperative to ask in proper mate selection.

2 Important Things To Help You Find Love

I think the two most important things are:

  1. clarity on what you want to experience
  2. partner selection that matches the qualities that you most admire and that need to be in that experience, such as the mentality and disposition.


Tell Us:

Has clarity and speaking up about your true desires helped you find love? Anyone ever struggled to find love while trying to hide true desires? Share with us in the comments below.


The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Susan Winters.

The entire interview transcript is at: Susan Winters Interview – Allowing Magnificence: Living the Expanded Version of Your Life

Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show

Listen to the entire interview on Blog Talk Radio: Allowing Magnificence: Living the Expanded Version of Your Life – Susan Winters

Listen to the entire interview on iTunes