Rachel Greenwald Interview: Have Him At Hello!

“Have Him at Hello!”
Jasbina Ahluwalia interviews Rachel Greenwald

A few topics Rachel Greenwald addresses in this interview are:

  1. (2:21)     Boss Lady – #1 Reason Men Don’t Call Back
  2. (8:09)    Change Boss Lady Ways
  3. (11:51)    Avoid Being the Uninteresting Date
  4. (16:31)   Don’t Be a Debbie Downer
  5. (22:59)  Is He a Puppy Dog?
  6. (27:18)   Yuck Factor: Is He Gross?
  7. (30:09)  Sadie Hawkins Relationship
  8. (36:15)   Dating the Busy Bee
  9. (40:17)   Capitalize on Dating Momentum
  10. (45:36)  Unexpected Romance: Unlikely Match

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Rachel has appeared on The Today ShowCNNABC NightlineThe CBS Early Show, and The Steve Harvey Show. She was featured in The New York TimesPeopleFortuneThe New Yorker,CosmopolitanGlamour, and “O” The Oprah Magazine. Oprah Magazine calls Rachel: “My kind of gutsy girl: all the kick of cheddar on rye minus any trace of baloney!”

In 2010, Rachel starred in NBC’s Reality TV dating show “The Match Off!”, and in 2006 she also starred in a Reality TV dating show in London. Rachel is the “Love Over 40” online advice columnist forMore Magazine, she writes a blog for the Huffington Post, and she writes dating advice for Match.comeHarmony.comJDate.com, and Yahoo! Personals. Rachel is also a relationship expert on YourTangoand GenConnect, and gives lectures around the world to private groups.

In addition to her M.B.A. degree from Harvard Business School, she has a B.A. in psychology from Wellesley College and a M.Ed. degree from Harvard Graduate School of Education.

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Jasbina Ahluwalia

(1:03):  Hello everyone and welcome to Intersections Match’s Talk Radio, a monthly holistic lifestyle show focused on the continual evolution into the best versions of our authentic selves. We and our special guests discuss relationships, social dynamics and health and wellness, each of which contributes to meaningful and fulfilling lives.

This is Jasbina, your host. I’m a former practicing lawyer and the Founder of Intersections Match, the only national personalized matchmaking company focused on singles of South Asian descent nationwide in the US.

I’m very excited to welcome Rachel Greenwald to our show tonight. Rachel is the international bestselling author of Find a Husband after 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School and, most recently, Have Him at Hello: Confessions from 1,000 Guys about What Makes Them Fall in Love or Never Call Back. Rachel has appeared on the Today Show, CNN, Nightline and ABC News. She has also been featured in The New York Times, People, Fortune, The New Yorker, Cosmopolitan, Glamour and O, The Oprah Magazine. Welcome, Rachel.

 

Rachel Greenwald

(2:18): Thanks. It’s great to be here.

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Jasbina Ahluwalia

Boss Lady – #1 Reason Men Don’t Call Back

(2:21): We’re so delighted to have you. As a professional dating coach and matchmaker, I’m fascinated by insights and perspectives regarding relationships.

I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading your most recent book, Have Him at Hello: Confessions from 1,000 Guys about What Makes Them Fall in Love or Never Call Back. I would love to explore some of the insights shared in your book. Your book shares insights gleaned from interviews of 1,000 men of various ages, ethnicities and geographies throughout the country.

Why don’t we start with three of the top ten reasons that guys did not call the woman back after the first date? I’ll read each of these three aloud for the benefit of our listeners. After I read each one, I’d love to give you the opportunity to explain and share with the listeners how they can tell if they themselves tend to fall in that category as well as give them some suggestions as to what they can do about it. Again, there are ten in your book. Let’s cover three of them. The number one reason he didn’t call back, you characterize as the “boss lady.” Tell us about that.

 

Rachel Greenwald

(3:33): I’ll tell you all about the boss lady. It’s important to set the context about how this research was conducted. I spent 10 years doing exit interviews on 1,000 guys.

These are the former dates of clients of mine who I worked with as a matchmaker. They didn’t call my client back. I tracked them down. My client gave me their phone number. I called to find out what happened.

I didn’t accept any bogus or vague reasons like:

  • “There wasn’t any chemistry”
  • “I was just busy”

I really wanted to get specific details.

In these conversations, the number one reason of the boss lady is the description of a woman who was a little more aggressive, argumentative and masculine.

The man concluded that she was terrific, but he’d like to hire her instead of date her.

It’s funny because a lot of the women will hear that and say, “He was just intimidated by me.”

  • In fact, the men were very clearly saying that they were not intimidated.
  • I probed that question a lot because I really suspected that was the case as well.
  • They were saying that they were not sexually or romantically attracted to a woman who was the boss lady and reminded him of someone that he worked with.

That was the gist of the number one reason. It played out in various subtle ways.

  • For example, some women were argumentative in his mind.
  • In her mind, she thought she was just sparring or bantering with him.

Elaborating further on Boss Lady – #1 Reason Men Don’t Call Back

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Jasbina Ahluwalia

Change Boss Lady Ways

(8:09): I love that. Those are some very concrete tips. Are there any other suggestions that you could give our listeners if they have an inkling that they sometimes fall within the boss lady? Do you have any suggestions as to what they can do about it or how they might be able to preempt that?

 

Rachel Greenwald

(8:28): There are a couple of things.

<h2> Change Boss Lady Ways: Speech </h2>

The biggest thing is to simply change the delivery of the way they speak.

They need to be really conscious of not delivering their comments in a challenging or argumentative way.

You can still challenge something he says by asking a question, but it’s all in the demeanor.

Elaborating on Change Boss Lady Ways.

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Jasbina Ahluwalia

Avoid Being the Uninteresting Date

(11:51): The statistics and demographics of this country are changing so rapidly. There are a greater number of women college graduates than men in this country at this point.

The number of women going into professional fields and getting advanced degrees is something for people to keep in mind.

The number two reason that you found in your research as to why he didn’t call back, you characterize as “the blahs.”

 

Rachel Greenwald

(12:26): “The blahs” is a very interesting category that I found.

It’s a reason that the date was boring. It wasn’t that the woman was boring.

The man perceived that the exchange of demographic information on the date turned out to be a boring evening.

Elaborating on Avoid Being the Uninteresting Date.

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Jasbina Ahluwalia

Don’t Be a Debbie Downer

(16:31): That’s excellent. There are 20 tips. I know that you have ten reasons in your book. Let’s jump down to the eighth reason that you give.

The number eight reason you give in your book as to why the guys didn’t call back, you characterize as the “Debbie Downer.” Can you tell us more about that?

 

Rachel Greenwald

(17:41)A lot of women were labeled by men as a “Debbie Downer.” In fact, the woman was shocked because she considers herself an upbeat and positive person.

I started to probe with the men’s interviews. I asked, “Why did you say she was a downer? Was she negative, complaining, cynical or bitter?”

These are all of the words that they would use. They would make snap judgments. Here is an example of one that I remember.

Elaborating on Don’t Be a Debbie Downer.

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Jasbina Ahluwalia

Is He a Puppy Dog?

(22:59): That’s interesting and insightful. There are ten of them in your book, Rachel Greenwald. We hit three of them. There will be seven more to check out.

For the benefit of our male listeners, you have the top five reasons in your book that women decline second dates. Let’s talk about two of them.

I’ll read each of these aloud for the benefit of our listeners. After I read it, I’d love to give you the opportunity to explain.

The number one reason that women decline second dates with guys, you characterize that as the “puppy dog.” Tell us about that.

 

Rachel Greenwald

(23:44): I turned the tables after I interviewed all of these men. I interviewed women as well.

I did a survey of 100 women. I asked them why they declined a second date with men.

The number one reason I categorized as the puppy dog. This was where women complained about men who were too eager to please them. They were almost wimpy. They seemed overly nice.

Elaborating on Is He a Puppy Dog?

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Jasbina Ahluwalia

Yuck Factor: Is He Gross?

(27:18): That’s interesting. The number two reason that women declined second dates, you characterize as the “yuck factor.”

 

Rachel Greenwald

(27:33)The yuck factor was such a funny category. I’m sure that every woman listening can relate to some of these things that men did, or looked like, that were such major turnoffs.

This is around men who were grooming challenged or bad kissers. This was the category where women thought, “I am repulsed.”

Elaborating on Yuck Factor: Is He Gross?

 

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Jasbina Ahluwalia

Sadie Hawkins Relationship

(30:09)The great news about that, in terms of grooming and clothes, that stuff is easily fixable.

Like you said, if someone does a reality check or tells it like it is, it’s something that can be resolved pretty easily. I would say that’s good news on that one.

Let’s turn the tables one more time, Rachel. I know that you interviewed 1,000 men for the book.

You also share in your book the top five reasons that the guys did not call the woman back despite a great first date. Despite having a great first date, they didn’t hear back from the guy.

You give five reasons. Why don’t we go through two of them? These are two of the top five reasons that great first dates do not lead to second dates. I’ll read the reasons aloud for the benefit of our listeners.

After I read each one, I would love for you to explain. The number one reason that the guy didn’t call back despite a great first date, you characterize as the “Sadie Hawkins.” Tell us about that, Rachel.

 

Rachel Greenwald

(31:34): I don’t know if anyone remembers the term “Sadie Hawkins” from their high school days.

It’s a common term that means that the girls pursue the boys. The girl might ask the boy to the Sadie Hawkins dance. It was a very old-fashioned reason.

The guy said, “The date went really well. After the date, there were some things that deflated me.”

A guy talked about how if a woman pursued him in any way after a good date, even subtle ways, that he started to lose interest.

Elaborating on Sadie Hawkins Relationship.

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Jasbina Ahluwalia

Dating the Busy Bee

(36:15)They want to be acknowledged and appreciated. That’s a great start for any relationship.

Throughout the relationship, feeling appreciation is one of the most important things. If, at the outset, you’re showing yourself as someone who can acknowledge and appreciate, I can see that going very far.

Let’s jump to number three of five reasons that he didn’t call back despite a great first date. I love this one.

Our listeners tend to be highly educated people with tons of things going on in their life. I love this third reason. You characterize it as the “busy bee.” Tell us about that.

 

Rachel Greenwald

(37:02)The busy bee was a category where men said they had a good first date. They wanted to see her again but she was so busy that they had trouble scheduling the second date.

Elaborating on Dating the Busy Bee.

 

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Jasbina Ahluwalia

Capitalize on Dating Momentum

(40:17): I love that insight.

You mentioned empowerment. In terms of a mindset shift, true empowerment is having your priorities and being able to align your actions with your priorities.

Your priority might be finding a life partner or a significant other. I think it’s empowering to align yourself that way. That really resonates. It seems like it has come full circle.

You mentioned the online dating phenomenon. There are a lot of choices out there. If someone is not available, there very well could be many others who are.

If it’s too hard to get together with someone, men and women alike can move on to the next person.

 

Rachel Greenwald

(41:14)There is a momentum, too. You might have had a great first date.

There is an excitement that follows it. If it takes a week, two weeks or three weeks to see someone for the second time, the momentum has fizzled.

<h2> Capitalize on Dating Momentum: Consistency </h2>

There is something really important about making your actions consistent with your words.

Elaborating on Capitalize on Dating Momentum.

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Jasbina Ahluwalia

Unexpected Romance: Unlikely Match

(45:36): Easy-going is not high maintenance, which I hear from a lot from men in terms of what they’re not looking for. Here are some things to do on a positive note. I like that.

Based on your research in speaking with so many men and women, can you give our female listeners a take-home message? You’ve given many already. Is there any other take-home message that you want to share?

 

Rachel Greenwald

(46:13): In my dating experience, after interviewing 1,000 men and 100 women for my newest book, Have Him at Hello, I reflected on why I’ve been able to make so many matches between people. I’m responsible for over 750 marriages.

Unexpected Romance: Real-Life Experience

I was trying to think, after all of this research and all of the conversations I’ve had, all of the couples that I’ve seen walk down the aisle, what is the lesson that I’ve learned more than anything else in all this experience?

The person that you are ultimately going to fall in love with is going to come in a completely different package than you expected.

Elaborating on Unexpected Romance: Unlikely Match.

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Jasbina Ahluwalia

(49:32): I would love to end on that. I love that take-home message. In my practice, the idea of the person you may end up being very happy with, being the package other than what you might expect, is something that I say daily. I really appreciate that you have had the same experience.

That’s interesting with the three dates. I tell my clients, “If there are no deal-breakers that have come up in that first meeting, definitely give it another try even if you’re not sure there was a spark. You’re not sure about the chemistry. See if it’s there by giving it a chance.” I love that.

I’d like to thank Rachel for joining us today. It’s been an absolute pleasure. Once again, if you’d like to learn more, there are several more insights in Rachel’s book. Her recent book is entitled Have Him at Hello: Confessions from 1,000 Guys about What Makes Them Fall in Love or Never Call BackThanks, Rachel, for being here.

 

Rachel Greenwald

(50:48): You’re welcome. Feel free to send me a friend request on Facebook as well. I’m “Rachel Greenwald” in the The Harvard Network. I love to stay in touch with single people. Feel free to send me a friend request or visit my website at RachelGreenwald.com.

 

Jasbina Ahluwalia

(51:08): That’s wonderful. In case you joined us late or would like to share this show with people in your life, I’d like to remind you that today’s show will be archived and available as a podcast on Intersections Match’s website, which is www.IntersectionsMatch.com. I can be reached at jasbina@intersectionsmatch.com.

I appreciate you hanging out with us. Email me with topics that you’d like discussed in future shows. Make sure to join us for next month’s show on Sunday, May 23rd at 7:00 PM Eastern. We’ll be speaking with Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.  Have a great night, everyone.

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