8 Obstacles Finding the One

Jasbina Ahluwalia asks Dr. Jan Yager – Author of the book 125 Ways to Meet the Love of Your Life: Absolutely. If you just go out with anyone then that’s not very self-affirming for them. This was very interesting.

8 Obstacles Finding the One:

  1. Perfectionism
  2. Not knowing yourself
  3. Failing to get to know the other person on a deep level
  4. Being in sync about timing
  5. You just might need a catalyst to begin your search
  6. Ignoring the rules of dating and courtship
  7. Giving up too soon
  8. Being afraid of change


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1. Obstacles Finding the One: Perfectionism

In one of your books, you described eight obstacles finding the one. I’m going to read each one aloud for the benefit of our listeners. After I read each one, I’d love to give you the opportunity to expand on them. These are the eight obstacles finding the one. The first obstacle that you list is perfectionism. Tell us about that.


Dr. Jan Yager

That’s a real deal-breaker.

Rather than focusing on what’s right with someone that they meet, they focus on what the person is missing.

That really gets in the way of even beginning to see anything positive about the person.

Quite often, that stems from someone who was raised by parents who were always dwelling on what the person didn’t do. It’s the kind of parent that, when the child got a 98, why wasn’t it 100?

It’s very important that if someone tends towards perfectionism to really work on that trait and get themselves to change their mindset so that they’re aiming towards excellence and appreciating someone for what he or she can offer.

2. Obstacles Finding the One: Not Knowing Yourself

Jasbina Ahluwalia

Okay. The second obstacle to finding the one is not knowing yourself and what you need in a mate for it to work. Tell us about that one.


Dr. Jan Yager

That’s important. If you’re not clear on what you need and you haven’t really figured out your own values, you’re going to waste a lot of time.

You want to figure out your deal-breakers. This is different from the perfectionism issue.


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Perfectionism Example: Obstacles Finding the One

There are people like Sarah Jessica Parker who is in this new movie called Did You Hear About the Morgans? In the movie, she and this British actor move to Wisconsin.

In an interview with her, she said the movie wasn’t that far-fetched because she grew up in New York. She loves Manhattan and there’s no way she would ever leave Manhattan.

That’s important for someone to know. Perhaps you are a city person and you are dating someone who says, “I love living in a town of 500.” If you love Manhattan and the person you’re dating is in Seoul, Korea and there’s no way they’re ever leaving, it’s just going to make it that much harder for the relationship to get going. Know those things about yourself.


3. Obstacles Finding the One: Failing to Get to Know the Other Person on a Deep Level

Jasbina Ahluwalia

Okay. The third obstacle to finding the one was failing to get to know the other person on a deep level. Tell us about that one.


Dr. Jan Yager

Of course, physical attractiveness counts but what is the person beyond that?

People are going to change over the years.

  • They’re going to lose their hair.
  • They’re going to go gray.
  • They’re going to get wrinkles.

Who is this person on the inside, not just physically? What makes him or her tick?

That’s really what’s wonderful about intimacy in a relationship. You do get to know someone on a very deep level.


Jasbina Ahluwalia

That’s what will sustain it for the long-term, like you said. Twenty or thirty years from now, what are the things that will sustain the relationship? I like that.


Dr. Jan Yager

The deep level is important but also to have some things in common. That can help to keep the couple enjoying each other and having fun. The fun factor is important, too.


4. Obstacles Finding the One: Being In Sync About Timing

Jasbina Ahluwalia

Absolutely. One way that I think compatibility is really important is in life goals. That dovetails into your fourth obstacle to finding the one. That is being in sync about timing. Tell us about that.


Dr. Jan Yager

That’s so important. So many people will tell me that they are in a relationship.

You have to understand that someone could say, “I’ve been in a relationship for four years and my fiancée promised me that next year is going to be the year.”

Sometimes it truly does happen. There are people for whom the timing is just not right.


Perfect Timing: Obstacles Finding the One

I met a woman on the train. She was in her last year of medical school. She said that she didn’t care if Prince Charming knocked on her door. Until next September, she had no interest in meeting anyone because getting that degree was all that she was focused on.

That’s okay. It’s important to know that about yourself and the person you’ve just met so that you will be less inclined to waste your time.


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5. Obstacles Finding the One: “You Just Might Need a Catalyst”

Jasbina Ahluwalia

For the fifth obstacle to finding the one, you said, “You just might need a catalyst to begin your search. That’s okay.” Tell us about that.


Dr. Jan Yager

Exactly. Too many people think it’s a negative if, turning 35 and the bell goes off or your best friend sends you a wedding invitation. Yes, you’re happy for her but you also break down and cry.

You suddenly realize that you want someone, too. That’s okay.

A lot of people feel that is has to be something that’s coming from some deep place. It can be something as simple as, “I’ve graduated. I’ve just finished working for a year and my life feels kind of empty even though I have money and a good job. There has to be more in life.”

It’s okay if it’s some kind of external factor.


6. Obstacles Finding the One: Ignoring the Rules of Dating and Courtship

Jasbina Ahluwalia

The sixth obstacle to finding the one was ignoring the rules of dating and courtship. Tell us about that.


Dr. Jan Yager

We’re in a liberated time, to some degree. There is still some game-playing that’s part of the process. It’s both good and bad.

Some people so adore the game-playing that they never want to settle down and go to a different level of expectations.

If you’re too quick to get through the process and not let it happen, you’re going to scare someone off. You’re also going to push someone away.

If a man expects to pick up the tab when he takes you out to dinner and you grab for the bill, that could push someone away.

Allowing yourself to be wined and dined is important. That’s all part of the courtship process.

Relying too heavily on what friends and family members think of someone you’re dating rather than letting yourself find out if this is the right one for you can push a relationship away that might have had a chance.


7.  Obstacles Finding the One: Giving Up Too Soon

Jasbina Ahluwalia

The seventh obstacle is giving up too soon.


Dr. Jan Yager

In our time-stressed society, people say, “Is this going where I want it to go or not?”

You might give someone an ultimatum that’s artificial and unrealistic. That can also backfire.

On the other hand, you might be led on and someone has 10 girlfriends or boyfriends in every town where he or she travels for work.

You have to know when you’re being unrealistic and giving up too soon and when you’re not facing the warning signs that this relationship isn’t going anywhere.

8. Obstacles Finding the One: Being Afraid of Change

Jasbina Ahluwalia

The eighth one is being afraid of change. This is the eighth obstacle to finding the one. Tell us about that.


Dr. Jan Yager

That’s an important one. In 125 Ways to Meet the Love of Your Life, I have a section on if you find someone who might be right for you, how do you help to keep the relationship going?

Age: Obstacles Finding the One

The older a single is and the more “baggage” a single brings to a new relationship, the more he or she may be resistant to change.

It could be everything from liking a certain routine to preferring living in the city versus the country.

Obstacle Finding the One Related to Being Alone?

People often talk about how hard it is to be alone but it’s actually much more challenging to be with someone. You have to compromise.

With two people living together, especially on an ongoing basis, change is inevitable. It’s just not two separate people living their separate lives. It’s two people interacting.

Obstacles Finding the One, Be Ready to Change

I remember a talk show that never got aired. I won’t mention the host but it was a famous show.

In all of the shows I’ve done over all the years, it never got aired. I was on the show as an expert.

The reason was that it was a show on giving up tokens from previous romantic partners.

The reason why the show didn’t get aired is that a lot of the spouses of the women were confiding that they still had a teddy bear from the first love that they haven’t gotten over.

The spouses didn’t want to the show to be aired because it would embarrass them. It was a taped show so, luckily, they didn’t have to air it. They hadn’t thought through the consequence of people revealing this. It fits in with our theme of change.

Here were people who were already in marriages or long-term relationships who were still clinging to old scripts, old relationships and old teddy bears.


Tell Us:

Obstacles Finding the One: Have you ever been faced with any of these challenges? Can you list more obstacles finding the one? Drop us a line in the comments section.


The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Dr. Jan Yager.

The entire interview transcript is at: Dr. Jan Yager Interview – 125 Ways to Meet the Love of Your Life

Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show

Listen to the entire interview on Blog Talk Radio: 125 Wats to Meet the Love of Your Life – Dr. Jan Yager

Listen to the entire interview on iTunes