] 3 HUGE Signs You Are In A Toxic Relationship
This behavior isn’t normal. And it isn’t right, either.
We’ve all had that one relationship that left us feeling more emotionally drained than satisfied. No matter how hard we try to make things work, nothing is enough.
Even though you love your boyfriend and can’t picture yourself without him, things have been super tense between you. He doesn’t treat you with the respect that you know you deserve, and it’s affecting how you feel about yourself.
Here’s the brutal truth. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together or how in love you are. If the way your partner behaves makes you question your own worth, he’s toxic to your health and you NEED to leave.
YourTango’s Senior VP Melanie Gorman, Divorce Coach Dr. Karen Finn, Matchmaker & Dating Coach Jasbina Ahluwalia, Counselor and Therapist Dr. Pat Love, and Relationship Trainer Julie Nise discuss the telltale signs that your relationship is toxic.
1. Your relationship stops you from doing what you love.
Although you loved going to the gym, you’re never in the mood to go. You’re becoming a stranger to yourself.
At 0:43, Karen stresses that “you need to really sit back and look at yourself and say ‘Am I able to truly live my life when I’m with this person or am I becoming somebody else? Because if you’re becoming somebody else, you’re killing who you really are.”
2. Your relationship is filled with drama.
Nowadays, you can barely spend five minutes together without getting into a shouting match. Not only is the constant arguing harmful to your emotional health, it sets the precedence for future relationships.
This behavior isn’t normal. And it isn’t right, either.
3. You never listen — we mean REALLY listen — to each other.
If your partner isn’t interested in how you feel or what you have to say, it can affect both of you. A relationship can’t work if both parties aren’t invested in working together.
Check out the video above to learn about ‘3 HUGE Signs You Are In A Toxic Relationship.’
(00:14): You hear the word “toxic” a lot when talking about relationships. You hear it on the internet. You see it on TV. How would someone know if a person they’re interested in, or worse that they’re in love with, is toxic to their life?
(00:27): I think that word “toxic” is evocative of something that’s poisonous, terrible and deadly. If you’re concerned as to whether or not your relationship or someone you’re attracted to is toxic, you need to sit back and look at yourself. Say, “Am I able to truly live my life when I’m with this person or am I becoming somebody else?” If you’re becoming somebody else, you’re killing who you really are. You can’t be in a relationship like that.
Dr. Pat Love
(1:00): I would follow that up by saying, if you’re acting in a way that you don’t respect and, in order for you to be with this person, you have to act in a way that’s not you and you don’t respect or like that person, that’s a bad sign. If I had to say one word that predicts toxicity, it’s drama.
It’s one thing to have drama every now and then, but to have a daily dose of it and never know what they’re reaction is going to be, it is what we call in research “lack of emotional regulation.” It’s a person who can’t manage and choose how they act, regardless of how they’re feeling. You can feel the feeling, but can you choose to act in a way that’s mature, kind and loving?
(2:05): It’s that acting out thing that will get you. It’s about maturity, the ability to manage frustration, not getting your way with all the acting out or drama. I think there is another aspect to that. Toxicity can sometimes be a lack of skill set. Specifically, you can’t problem solve. You’re so interested in getting your own point across that you argue your points like attorneys instead of finding out what the other person is trying to say or what you don’t understand.
That can make a relationship really toxic when you’re arguing all the time. In the end, sometimes it’s solved by relatively simple things, like learning how to problem solve and spend more time understanding instead of arguing.
(2:46): I tell people to ask yourself a question. Do I like who it is that I’m being when I’m with this person? Am I able to act in alignment with my core values when I’m with this person? If the answer is no, the person might not be toxic, but the dynamic is definitely toxic to who you are and who you want to be. It is negativity defined. Someone who is toxic sees the downside of everything.
If you’re seeing the downside of everything then you’re not able to support someone. All of these things go along with a relationship that is toxic. You’re not getting that mutual support you need. Those are the most common. When someone is toxic, the barometer that they have for themselves is what they feel should be the barometer with everyone else.
Their view of reality is imposed on everyone else. That’s the standard by which everyone else is judged. Judging is a big part of that. It’s judging with a capital “J.” When I think of toxicity, I think of being judged. Someone is putting you down and judging you according to what he or she views as reality. It’s a black and white reality for them.
(4:13): It sounds like toxic relationships are ones that kill your potential. They kill who you are on the inside, whether it’s because it harms you to do it or two people come together and are explosive. If you find yourself in one of these kinds of relationships, the core thing to take away from this video is that it’s time to get out.
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