[VIDEO] 2 Reasons Why Men Pull Away (And How To Deal)
Many women have this similar experience with the men. The relationship is going incredibly well — it’s exciting, and you’re loving the time together.
Then, seemingly out of the blue, you feel a distance. You’re certainly not the one creating it, so it must be your man, right?
You’ll be surprised to hear that this is actually quite common behavior between men and women in relationships. It could actually be your partner’s way of reinforcing your bond!
(If this is happening in the beginning of the relationship, however, you seriously need to sit down and discuss what the problem might be and decide if you both really want to make this commitment.)
In the video above, SVP of YourTango Experts Melanie Gorman, relationship and communications expert Fiona Fine, author and relationship coach Gregg Michaelsen, matchmaker and dating coach Jasbina Ahluwalia and biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D., discuss why men and women decide to create distance with their partners even though the relationship is going well.
Here’s are two reasons they say your partner is pulling away for a bit:
1. He’s Low On Testosterone
Men and women bond to their partners differently. Jasbina Ahluwalia explains the confusing bonding phenomenon like this:
“Men tend to have this intense bonding. Women are de-stressing. The bonding is making them de-stress. [It's the] opposite for the guys. Actually, their testosterone is coming down, so they need to actually go away, pull back, build it up. They’ll spring back, too, per John Gray’s Rubberband Theory. They’ll spring back to you as long as you don’t chase him, right? Don’t chase him. He’ll come back.”
2. He’s Realizing That He’s Leaving The Single Life Behind
It’s a big transition from, I’m single and ready to mingle to I’m in a wonderful relationship with this one woman. That can be jarring for a man, which is why when a woman comes around that seems to be worth it, they take a step back to understand their feelings and determine whether she’s worth giving up the single life.
“We think three things,” says Gregg Michaelson, ”…I’m not always proud of this. But we think, She’s going to take all my money. She’s going to take away all my friends, and I’ll never be able to sleep with another woman again. And we think about this, and the irony is we want to spend our money on women. We want our friends to be taken away to a certain extent (at least some of them), and we want to only sleep with one woman. But it’s up to the woman to neutralize [those three fears].”
Here are a few ways to deal with the distance:
1. Focus On Yourself
Don’t go running after him. Instead, do things that make you happy to keep your mind off the situation until your partner returns. If you mope and worry about it, you’ll be too hurt to stay with him when he returns.
2. Don’t Completely Distance Yourself
Give your man some space, but don’t completely forget about him. Your man just needs some time to collect his thoughts before he gets serious. If you leave him, he’ll be confused. That can ruin your opportunity for a loving relationship.
3. Be The One To Neutralize His Fears
Don’t make him worry that you’re a controlling person who takes all his money and refuses to let him spend time with friends. You’ll make him feel trapped.
Some simple ways to do this are: Don’t ask him to buy you things, offer to pay the top or half of the bill, and be appreciative of what he does give you. Spend some time apart with your own respective friends during the week, and don’t forget to keep your sex life sexy. (Gregg Michaelsen says that this will actually make your man want to spend time with you.)
Do you still feel worried about the fact that your partner is pulling away? Watch the video above to hear more helpful expert advice!
(00:19): Why do men get spooked early in relationships and pull away?
(00:24): Context is key here. Don’t make assumptions. It could be so many different reasons. It could have to do with him. He could be afraid of commitment or just not interested in a long-term relationship. It could be about you. It could be you, rushing the relationship and going at a pace that he’s not comfortable with.
It could be that he’s a man. We have this intense bonding. The bonding makes women de-stress. It’s opposite for the guys. Their testosterone is coming down. They need to go away, pull back and build it up. They’re spring back per John Gray’s rubber band theory. He’ll spring back as long as you don’t chase him. That’s key. He’ll come back.
Instead of chasing him, you should pursue your own passions at that time. Then, when he comes back, you’re in your happy state. You’re not punishing him for going away. He’s feeling comfortable to be back with you and not scared. Instead, he’s welcoming you back and that’s a positive circle for you both.
(1:31): I always say to women, visually if you can, plant a stiletto. Dig your one foot in. Then dance around that and live your life. Don’t chase him, but also, don’t go far away. He’ll get confused. Hold the space. Quite often, they will come back. They’ll have built up their testosterone from their man cave. If it keeps going, that’s when I say there should be some sort of communication. You can say, “You’ve been gone. You keep coming back and forth. This isn’t really serving us or my own life. How do we make it so that you’re more comfortable?”
(2:16): This is what I feel. Think about it. We start off hot and heavy oftentimes. Then guys have an epiphany. We look up and say, “Oh my goodness. My singlehood is going to be gone if I continue down this path.” We think three things. I’m not always proud of this. We think, “She’s going to take all of my money. She’s going to take away all of my friends. I’ll never be able to sleep with another woman again.” We think about this.
The irony is that we want to spend our money on women. We want our friends to be taken away, to a certain extent. We want to only sleep with one woman. It’s up to the woman to neutralize us on those three fears. In my number one bestseller, To Date a Man, You Must Understand a Man, I teach how to neutralize those three things. It’s easy.
It starts right off the bat with the money. When we start dating, you pitch in. I don’t care if you don’t have any money at all. As a woman, pitch in and offer to buy things, like a drink. Now we think, “Okay, she’s not a gold digger. She doesn’t want to take my money.” Point number one is wiped out.
Number two is our friends. Let us go to our friends. The woman should let her guy go. Keep your own social network outside of his and go to your friends. We sit there and say, “I wonder what Helen is doing. I kind of miss her.” Then I start texting and wondering. Suddenly, I’m not having fun playing Xbox with the guys.
The third thing is that you keep things crazy in the bedroom. Spoon-feed him sex one day and then the next day, take it away. Mix it up. The power of the pussy is incredible.
(4:33): That sounds a little like game playing.
(4:37): No. You’re talking about initially. These are the three things. Then we will come back to you.
(4:48): I have a question. There certainly are men who will get out of things fast and get scared. Is there any data that men are any more likely to freak out and leave a relationship earlier than women?
I don’t think there is any at all. I think this is a large conspiracy. Women seem to think that it’s men who are the only ones wearing sneakers and on their way out. I don’t think that’s true. I’ve never seen any data to show that men are any more squeamish about forming a relationship than women.
(5:18): Right, but we’re asking why we pull back.
(5:21): But women pull back, too.
(5:29): I’ve seen a lot of anecdotes. This isn’t about leaving a relationship. A guy pulling away is not necessarily a bad sign either. It could signal that his feelings for you are intensifying. He is feeling vulnerable. It could be a good sign, too.
(5:50): It sounds like pulling away on some level is normal. There are two things to worry about. First, if it’s happening early in a relationship, pay attention. It’s likely a warning sign. Second, if it’s happening in an established relationship, it’s normal. There is a normal ebb and flow to how men and women connect with each other. It is men and women who have a need for connection and pulling away.
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