Tips for Finding Guys Wanting Equal Relationships
Jasbina Ahluwalia interviews Dr Terri Orbuch.
I’m very excited to welcome to todays show Dr. Terri Orbuch. Dr. Orbuch, also known as “The Love Doctor”, is a world renowned relationship expert, author, speaker, therapist, coach, distinguished professor at Oakland University, research scientist at the University of Michigan, Institute for Social Research and media personality. She’s also the director of a landmark study funded by the National Institute of Health (NIH), where she’s been following the same couples for over 30 years. Her 2 best-selling books are “5 Simple Steps To Take Your Marriage From Good To Great” and “Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps To a New and Happy Relationship”.
Now, let’s take it in a different direction. For the highly educated women that are out there, and they say, “Okay, actually what I’d like now is an egalitarian partnership. I want to do a modern spin on having a family together and building a life together.”
What are some of the best ways for a single heterosexual woman who has an attitude towards an egalitarian partnership, to filter as she dates. Any tips, any suggestions for that woman?
Well, first of all, it’s a great question. I can say that when we look at studies in general out there, heterosexual men are doing more around the house than ever before. There have been significant changes in terms of who does what around the house, and men are significantly more likely to do more around the house, and with childcare, I should say.
But women continue to do the majority of work with children and around the home. I just say that in general so that women and even highly educated women know that.
On the other hand, your question is great. How can heterosexual women filter out dates so they get a more egalitarian or a more equitable partnership? There are two tips that I have.
- First, I think women in general should feel comfortable and secure discussing this topic with their dates. I wouldn’t just discuss it on the first date or even the first few dates. But after that, I think it’s okay to ask about that, about what they feel in terms of that value, in terms of having an egalitarian partnership, whether it be around the home or outside the home, what do they feel?
– What do they think about in terms of children and who would do what around the house and with the children? Discussing that topic and asking questions is a very important.
- Now, the second tip is for if the woman does not feel comfortable or she doesn’t want to do it yet in that partnership, or she wants to know it earlier. I think, then, observing is very important.
– Watch what the male is doing and thinking and saying, how is he treating the wait staff?
– How is he talking about his mother or his sister or his niece, and what they’re doing around the home, and friends, how they’re working outside the home or not, or how he feels about the man in that partnership, staying home and the woman working outside the home, bring up examples.
– Or even when you’re watching a movie with this male heterosexual partner, and you might be watching the movie and something comes up about a woman working outside the home if she has children or a man doing something around the home, ask a question, what do you think of that? Would you do that? Use movies or sitcoms or television shows or examples in his life to ask questions.
I love that. In context, not making sort of a summit about it, but doing it in a context. As you say, when it comes to men, I always tell our female clients that, “Let’s pay attention to the actions,” which is just the words and what you just said encapsulated that.
The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Dr. Terri Orbuch
The entire interview transcript is at – Dating and Relationship Advice from The Love Doctor, Dr Terri Orbuch