Love Yourself: The Key to Coupleness

Jasbina Ahluwalia asks Dr. Jan Yager – Author of the book 125 Ways to Meet the Love of Your Life: Defining your own roles is important.

In terms of compatibility, I think it’s important to be comfortable as a couple to let yourself define roles instead of taking on societal roles in terms of whether you’re supposed to have children.

Another quote of yours from the past resonated with my professional experience. I think it’s a great one.

Love Yourself, Don’t be Scared

“I look around at so many frightened and jaded single people. They want guarantees. They have laundry lists for ideal spouses and never date or date 25 people that they never see a second time. I once was that scared, throwing my love into work, a surer road to fulfillment or friends, a safer way to gain nurturing. I’ve gotten stronger in the last few years.”

Dr. Yager, I’d love you to share with our listeners how you personally overcame that mindset that you describe as well as any professional insights from people you’ve worked with along these lines. It’s a very insightful comment.

I believe that you quoted it from an article you had written.


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Dr. Jan Yager

Love Yourself and Be Comfortable with Being Single

Yes, that was my article published in Newsday about becoming comfortable with being single.

It’s my firm belief, both personally and professionally, that the first step towards coupleness is

From independence can come interdependence.

Love Yourself: Independence

The relationships that tend not to work out are those where there is so much dependency and unrealistic expectations.

One or both partners feel that the other one is going to “save” them.


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Jasbina Ahluwalia

It’s the idea of being rescued by a relationship.


Dr. Jan Yager


  • They’re going to save them from financial issues.
  • They’re going to save them from loneliness.
  • They’re going to save them from career challenges.

Love Yourself, It Brings Strength

The stronger you get within yourself, if a relationship doesn’t work out, you can deal with it. You don’t have to hide.

A classic version of the fear factor is the person who always picks someone that he or she doesn’t really want.

Then when it doesn’t work out, they say, “Oh well. I didn’t really care anyway.”

One of the ways to strengthen yourself is to go after what you want even though it’s scary. Then, when you get it or it doesn’t happen, you deal with that. You don’t run away from it.

Dealing with it may mean having to go into short-term therapy.

It may mean calling up your girlfriend or male friend five nights in a row whining, “Can you believe what just happened? I thought I found Mr. or Ms. Right. The whole thing just didn’t work out.”

You fail toward success, whether it’s in your career or in your relationships.

That doesn’t mean that you need to have all of these really deep, strong, scary relationships that don’t work out.

Even dating is an important exercise.

A lot of people today are so scared.

  • They’re not even allowing themselves to date.
  • They stay so busy professionally.
  • They claim that they’re too busy to meet someone but it’s really fear.


Tell Us:

Do you feel you love yourself? Is this something you have acquired over time? Do you struggle to love yourself? Share you experiences with us in the comments below.


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The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Dr. Jan Yager.

The entire interview transcript is at: Dr. Jan Yager Interview – 125 Ways to Meet the Love of Your Life

Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show

Listen to the entire interview on Blog Talk Radio: 125 Wats to Meet the Love of Your Life – Dr. Jan Yager

Listen to the entire interview on iTunes