Ideal Partner Fantasies Not Reality

Jasbina Ahluwalia asks Dr. Jan Yager – Author of the book 125 Ways to Meet the Love of Your Life: Okay. A quote from one of your books resonated with me. I’d love to share the quote with our listeners and then ask you to expand.

You wrote, “Unattached singles may fantasize about the ideal partner but rarely do they consider how their ideal might differ from reality or why their choices so often fall so short of their ideals.”

I’d love you to expand further on this idea, Dr. Yager.


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Dr. Jan Yager

What did it mean to you?


Jasbina Ahluwalia

Jasbina Interprets Ideal Partner Fantasies

As a matchmaker, I do run into people who I feel conjure up an ideal partner.

I’d love to hear how you came about this. I sometimes see that people conjure up ideals but I also see that their partner may be in a package different from what they anticipate.

I don’t like to see someone narrow themselves so much with an ideal that they limit their opportunities with others.

I was wondering if that was along the lines of what you were thinking. I’d love to hear the impetus for that.


Dr. Jan Yager

I think that what’s challenging about looking for someone is this dual concept.

Ideal Partner Fantasies: Know What You’re Looking For

On the one hand, extending from what we just discussed about either the personal ad or the profile, you want to have an idea of the kinds of things you’re looking for.

Expanding from that quote, you also don’t want to be so rigid that you lock yourself in.

Perhaps you’re looking for someone who is a professional. It is absolutely imperative that someone is a doctor, lawyer, dentist or financial services expert. Then you meet someone and he or she is a terrific writer, an advertising executive or a school teacher.

Ideal Partner Fantasies Not Same Package in Reality

You need to allow yourself to give that person a chance and not have such a narrow perspective that you just rule someone out because of this persona that you invent that someone has to live up to or embody.\


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Jasbina Ahluwalia

You make a good point.


Dr. Jan Yager

Ditto with the person who is meeting you.

Ideal Partner Fantasies, But Give Everyone a Chance

A lot of times, people don’t give the person that they date a chance.

That’s another whole part of the dating process that I discuss in 125 Ways to Meet the Love of Your Life.

One of my favorite parts of the book is an outgrowth my book When Friendship Hurts. I found that if you can get over a failed friendship with the idea that a friendship won’t work out, you can be more courageous about trying to start new friendships.

Ideal Partner Fantasies, It Doesn’t Always Work Out

Similarly, if you can feel within yourself that if you find someone and you like him or her, and that person doesn’t return the feeling, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, you’re a loser or that you should swear off dating.

It’s having the courage to ask why the people you go out with fall short of what you think you want.

How does that differ from what you’re looking for? You can intellectualize this. There is a gift that I try to share in 125 Ways to Meet the Love of Your Life.

By the way, I’d like your listeners to know that the book is available in Vietnamese, Chinese, Korean and Thai. Those are some of the South Asian languages that might be of interest to your listeners as well as Norwegian, Romanian and Italian.

The themes of the book are resonating in lots of languages and cultures.

In the beginning of, 125 Ways to Meet the Love of Your Life, I have a 110-question questionnaire. I ask the reader to ask him or herself those questions about themselves but also potentially about the person that they want to meet.


Jasbina Ahluwalia

I thought that was a great list of questions.


Tell Us:

Is your life partner different from your old ideal partner fantasies? Singletons, do you have some ideal partner fantasies? Share your experiences with us in the comments below.


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The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Dr. Jan Yager.

The entire interview transcript is at: Dr. Jan Yager Interview – 125 Ways to Meet the Love of Your Life

Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show

Listen to the entire interview on Blog Talk Radio: 125 Wats to Meet the Love of Your Life – Dr. Jan Yager

Listen to the entire interview on iTunes