Authentic Self: Be You!

Jasbina Ahluwalia asks Dr. Amir Levine, author of Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find- and Keep- Love: I know that your book devotes a lengthy chapter to the topic of communication to ensure that your needs are met in a relationship.



Dr. Amir Levine

Authentic Self: Your Needs

It’s to ensure that your needs are met but also to be able to decipher whether or not the other person is able to meet your needs.

We give another example of a woman who went out with this guy. For two or three weeks, they were out together almost every night. There was no physical touch between them. She was trying to figure it out.

She thought, “What’s going on? Why is there not even a kiss?” He couldn’t even answer her. It didn’t go anywhere.

She might have decided to played games. She could have said, “I’m not going to see him. I’ll play hard to get.” She would never have known the answer.

Authentic Self: Be Frank

She decided to ask point blank. She said, “I want to know what’s going on.” He didn’t answer her.

You don’t exactly need an answer. Once you effectively communicate your needs and you bring it to the fore, even no answer is an answer.

They broke up. Later on, she found out that he was gay.


Jasbina Ahluwalia

He was wrestling with something.


Dr. Amir Levine

Authentic Self: Save Time

Yes. She could have wasted her time waiting or trying to figure it out. She raised the topic. There was no answer.

When people are dating, I think they find that they’re wasting a lot of time with the wrong people.

It’s very time consuming. It can be very frustrating.

When you are being your authentic self, you save a lot of time.


Jasbina Ahluwalia

I think a lot of people are afraid to ask questions that they may have an inkling of and they don’t want to know the answer to. They don’t want to change the outcome of what someone might say.

It actually doesn’t do that. You’re not going to change how they feel by bringing it up. It saves a lot of time.


Dr. Amir Levine

Authentic Self: Improve Communication

Yes, it’s the opposite. If you’re going to be in a relationship, you want to be able to communicate with the other person effectively.

It’s almost like a litmus test for what the relationship will be like. If you can’t communicate effectively with them now and start to bring to the table what’s bothering you, then what makes you think you’ll be able to do it later on?


Authentic Self: Have The Conversation Early

You have to talk about raising kids. You have to talk about buying houses and having a life together. If you can’t do it now, you’d better brace yourself because 50% of people end up in divorce.


Authentic Self: Real-Life Example

Let’s say that you were interviewing for a job. The person comes in for the interview. You don’t ask them any questions about their skills. They tell you that they’re not able to do many of the things that you want them to do.

You don’t listen to what they’re telling you. You end up hiring them. How happy are you going to be with them?

Think about this particular “job.” It’s probably the most important position in your lifetime.

You will hopefully have kids with this person. You’re going to have a life with this person.

We get so many emails from people who are so unhappy. They stay in very unhappy relationships for many years. It’s very hard to leave once you get attached to someone.

If you’re going to do it, you might as well do it well from the get-go.


Jasbina Ahluwalia

You want to do it before making a commitment and building a life together. You want to figure out whether there is compatibility there for the long haul.


Tell Us:

Have you embraced you authentic self and found the perfect partner? Give us a shout in the comments section with a yes if you have!


The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Dr. Amir Levine

The entire interview transcript is at: Amir Levine Interview – Insights on Dating From A Psychiatrist And Neuroscientist

Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show

Listen to the entire interview on Blog Talk Radio: Insights From A Psychiatrist – Dr. Amir Levine Discussion – Author ‘Attached’

Listen to the entire interview on iTunes