Who Should Initiate Conversation Online?

Jasbina Ahluwalia asks Julie Spira and Dr. Dale Koppel: Dr. Koppel, you wrote, “I knew instinctively that I couldn’t sit back and wait for men to contact me.

My instincts were correct. Most men, especially those of a certain age, don’t need to contact women. They can just sit back and wait for the women to contact them.

As a rule, I found that the men who did contact me were not men I wanted to meet.” Can you tell us about that?



Dr. Dale Koppel

Men, especially when they’re first online, get a tremendous number of responses from women.

Who Should Initiate Conversation Online? Experienced Men

I think the men who start writing to women are men who have been around the block a few times. They are feeling a tad needy.

I also feel that I speak to a lot of women who say, “I’ve been online for two years and I can’t meet anybody interesting. Every man who writes to me, I have nothing in common with them.”

I say to them, “How many men have you written to first?” They say, “I don’t do that.”

Who Should Initiate Conversation Online? Is it About Control?

To me, the idea is to take control and feel that you can meet somebody by going to them first. That was where I felt that I had my best successes.

I screened the men first. I didn’t wait for a man to write to me. I knew what I was looking for. I searched it out first. I wrote to hundreds, probably thousands, of men. I wanted to be in the driver’s seat, so to speak.

Who Should Initiate Conversation Online? Real Life Story

Julie Spira

The man who you ended up with now, did you write to him or did he write to you?


Dr. Dale Koppel

I wrote to him.


Jasbina Ahluwalia

You initiated contact with him.


Dr. Dale Koppel



Jasbina Ahluwalia

Julie, as a cyber-dating expert, what do you think of women initiating contact with men online? What are your thoughts on that?


Julie Spira

Who Should Initiate Conversation Online? Older Women

My thoughts are that, as a woman gets older, she needs to start initiating.

In her twenties or thirties, her inbox is going to be very full and she doesn’t have to initiate contact. Chances are, she’ll meet some quality guys.

As you get older, the men have a much wider selection of age ranges of women to pick from.

As you get older, you will notice that you don’t get as many emails.

Who Should Initiate Conversation Online? Let The Man Be The Man

I tell women that it’s fine to select men that you’d like to write to. As soon as you make contact, you need to take a step back and let the man do the rest of the courtship. Let the man be the man.


Jasbina Ahluwalia

In your mind, especially for certain age groups, it’s beneficial for women to initiate the contact but, after doing so, to step back and let the men pursue. Is that correct?


Julie Spira

Yes. I do believe that. Jasbina, the important thing that women need to understand when they say, “I’m not writing to a man,” there are some great men out there who are really busy.

Maybe they haven’t had time to find you. They’re flattered when an attractive, intelligent woman writes to them. It’s good for their ego.

A real man will pursue that woman who has flirted with him by initiating contact. It is flattering for a man.


Tell Us:

Couples who met through online dating mediums, who initiated the online conversation? Who should initiate conversation online? Chat with us in the comments section below.


The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Julie Spira and Dale Koppel.

The entire interview transcript is at: Julie Spira – Dale Koppel Interview – Insights In Online Dating

Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show

Listen to the entire interview on Blog Talk Radio: Navigating Online Dating: Discussion with Dr. Dale Koppel & Julie Spira

Listen to the entire interview on iTunes