What is TMI on Dates?

Jasbina Ahluwalia interviews Dr Terri Orbuch.

I’m very excited to welcome to todays show Dr. Terri Orbuch. Dr. Orbuch, also known as “The Love Doctor”, is a world renowned relationship expert, author, speaker, therapist, coach, distinguished professor at Oakland University, research scientist at the University of Michigan, Institute for Social Research and media personality. She’s also the director of a landmark study funded by the National Institute of Health (NIH), where she’s been following the same couples for over 30 years. Her 2 best-selling books are “5 Simple Steps To Take Your Marriage From Good To Great” and “Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps To a New and Happy Relationship”.

—–

 

Jasbina:

Now, touch on one more of these myths. Well, speaking of getting in a relationship, what’s the myth concerning this idea of getting it all out there as soon as possible when dating? Sharing everything about oneself. Putting people on notice kind of an idea. Tell us about that. Where’s the myth there?

 

Terri:

I think the myth is that you share everything really early so that the person either knows you, or if they don’t like something, they know it early, and that’s a myth. You should not disclose everything on the first date or too soon.

What we know science shows is that you should gradually disclose things about yourself. I talk to my clients about thinking of themselves as a book, and they want to share one chapter at a time because what happens is that if you share everything, the goods, the bads, about your divorce, about your previous relationships, you just inundate them. I call it almost vomiting up you. I understand why I want to do that, but if you vomit up you so quickly, people become overwhelmed and they run.

It’s almost like, you want to think about being on a plane and you’re sitting down and maybe the plane ride is six, eight hours, and all of a sudden this person next to you begins talking about themselves and telling you everything, private, personal, what do you feel… ask yourself. Well, most people will say, “Oh, no, I want to put on my headphones. I want to run.” Right? That’s that feeling of disclosing too much to a partner on a first date or too early, that person wants to run.

 

Jasbina:

Terri, I love your plane analogy as well as your book analogy. My favorite analogy I like to use with clients is the onion analogy, and I say, you can hack the onion, or you can peel back the layers slowly by slowly.

______

The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Dr. Terri Orbuch