Choosing the Right Mate: Tips
Jasbina Ahluwalia asks Dr. Catherine Cardinal, author of, Men to Run From: So You Can Find the Right One to Run to: That’s excellent. That’s a very empowering thought. We do have men and women listening to this.
I’d love for you to share with us your tips for choosing the right mate. I know you have male and female clients as well as couples. Feel free to do what comes naturally to you. You may want to first speak to women or men. You can make it gender neutral.
Your tips to choosing the right mate would be very welcome.
Dr. Catherine Cardinal
Thank you for that. I appreciate you letting me have time to say this. I’m saying this truthfully. Yes, I want people to buy my books. My self-esteem book is $9.95. That’s nothing. I think it’s $7 on Amazon.
Choosing the Right Mate: Sense of Self
The fundamentals of a healthy, vibrant sense of self is the first thing.
In my Cardinal Rules book, which takes about 15 or 20 minutes to read, you can get a foundation for a healthy sense of self that embodies
- Ability to self-correct.
Those are the five fundamentals of a healthy self-esteem.
Choosing the Right Mate: No Shame
It’s not just, “I love myself. I’m great. I’m all that.” A lot of times, those are superiority thoughts that are covering feelings of shame.
I will repeat it again. A healthy sense of self embodies self-love, self-discipline, self-reliance, self-control and the ability to self-correct.
What does that mean if you’re looking for a partner?
Choosing the Right Mate: Self-Discipline
First, you will have the self-discipline to be patient when you’re dating someone, not jump into bed with them, not read into it or project what you want them to be.
When you’re looking for someone, everything begins with the ability to be able to be present but observe what’s happening without projecting any of your filters on it.
For instance, I had a client come in yesterday who was with a C’mere Go Away Guy. He’s gone.
She wants to get married and have a child so badly that, when he said on the third date, “I love you. I can see having kids with you,” she bought it. She was projecting because she wanted something so badly.
What happened wasn’t good. I can’t say what it was but it didn’t turn out well at all.
She did not exercise self-discipline there. She wasn’t self-correcting. She wasn’t honoring herself. Everything begins with your ability.
Choosing the Right Mate: Take Your Time
If you see someone you really like, let it unfold. If this is someone that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, you can take two, three, four, five or six months really getting to know this person. That’s the best advice I can give.
The second best advice that I can give is to women.
Choosing the Right Mate: Take Time to Communicate
Women, the secret to a successful, long-lasting relationship lies with your ability to communicate and ask for what you want, clearly and unemotionally.
Let’s say that you like a guy to be on time. You’re dating a guy. He’s late on the second date. He’s late on the third date. Women shouldn’t say, “Why didn’t you call me? Why are you late?”
You say very calmly, “I really enjoyed my first date with you. I was looking forward to seeing you again. I have to say that, when you arrived 45 minutes late, I felt very uncomfortable. I felt kind of disrespected. I’m wondering if you could please let me know if you’re going to be late. If we set up a time, please let me know if that’s going to work for you.” Did you hear how I did that?
It was very respectfully. It was very non-confrontationally. It was directly.
Dr. Catherine Cardinal
If he does it again, maybe you try one more time.
Then if he does it again, you dump him.
Choosing the Right Mate: Man’s Response
Here is another million-dollar piece of advice. You will know who you are going to marry by the man who is able to hear your needs and meet them. What does that imply? That implies that we, as women, need to be clear of what our needs are and able to communicate them.
A successful relationship begins with a woman’s ability to communicate. You ask and then a man responds.
If he doesn’t respond then he’s not the guy for you. If the guy shows up late three more times, he didn’t hear you.
How is he going to be there for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health when he can’t even hear, “I need to show up on time?”
You dump him and move on. You go to the next.
Choosing the Right Mate: Test Limits
I tell women, when you’re dating, wherever you are, make sure you ask for something. Maybe it’s sugar for your coffee or more dressing for your salad. Get in the habit of nicely asking for things that you need. That’s how you see if he’s the man for you.
For the men who are listening, if you’re interested in a woman, pay attention to her needs. She will stay with the man who makes her feel safe. Her needs are being met.
A man will stay with a woman who respects him and does not make him wrong.
In choosing the right mate, what ways did you test the relationship? Share with us in the comments section below.
The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Dr. Catherine Cardinal
The entire interview transcript is at: Catherine Cardinal Interview – Men To Run From To Find One To Run To
Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show
Listen to the entire interview on Blog Talk Radio: Men to Run From: So you can find the one to run to
Listen to the entire interview on iTunes