Secure Partner Benefits

Jasbina Ahluwalia asks Dr. Amir Levine, author of Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find- and Keep- Love: The anxious-avoidant trap that you mention in your book is exactly that. It’s almost as if the secure can buffer both of those tendencies.



Dr. Amir Levine

Secure Partner Benefits: Change for the Better

It’s amazing. We can change. You can become more secure if you’re with someone who is secure.

If you’re avoidant, you will become less avoidant. If you’re anxious, you will become less anxious. It’s amazing.

Secure Partner Benefits: Relationship Coach

They will teach you. It’s like having a relationship coach built into the relationship. That’s why we tell the anxious and avoidant not to go with one another but to go with a secure.

Secure Partner Benefits: Constant Support

You would think that avoidants would be really good for one another. They are both independent. They like to be left alone. You would think they would have the perfect world if they are together. That hardly ever happens.

Avoidants hardly ever get together with other avoidants. It just never happens. It’s almost like there is no glue that keeps them together.


Jasbina Ahluwalia

They can live parallel lives but there can’t be true intimacy.


Dr. Amir Levine

Yes. They don’t even get together because there is nothing to keep them together.

Secure Partner Benefits: Being Your Authentic Self

There is one more thing that I didn’t tell you in a dating situation that has to do with the authentic self. That’s one of the things that we’ve learned from people who are avoidant.

I like to tell this to people who are anxious who feel that they need to play hard to get.

A lot of people feel they need to play hard to get in the beginning. People have a hard time with this notion.


Secure Partner Benefits: No Games

What we’ve seen with people who are secure is that, in a dating situation, they are very straightforward. They don’t play games. They say things as they are. I think it’s very important to note that.

Let’s say that you’re anxious and you want a lot of intimacy and closeness. When you first go out with someone, you play hard to get. You pretend that you don’t care if they call you or not.

If you do that, who are you going to attract? Most of the time, you’re going to attract someone who is avoidant. They feel more comfortable in those situations.

A few weeks later, you think, “Oh no! It is important to me that we are close. It is important to me that they call back.”

If you are reminded about that several weeks or months later, it’s too late. You’re already with someone who is incompatible.

You didn’t authentically state what your needs are in a relationship. We find that, if people say that from very early on, it doesn’t have to be in a groveling, annoying way. It can come from a place of strength.

It’s like holding a cross to a vampire. You are able to keep away people who are not a good match for you.


Secure Partner Benefits: Real-Life Example

I can give you an example. There is a woman who we mentioned in the book. She was reaching her forties. She wanted to get married and have kids. She had been dating and dating.

She said, “Time is of the essence here. I don’t have a lot of time. I need to get married.” She decided, “To hell with it. I’m going out and being my authentic self.” When she went on a date for the first time, she said, “I’m really looking to get married and have kids.”

Sure, it sent a few men running the other direction. These were men who were not right for her anyway. She had no time.

Lo and behold, she met someone who wanted the same thing. He wanted to get married very quickly. He wanted to have kids. He was also tired of the whole dating game. That’s what they did.

They got married and had kids. You might think, “How could she say that right from the get-go?” If you say it from a place of strength, it’s great.


Tell Us:

Can you list some secure partner benefits from your experiences? Share the secure partner benefits with us in the comments section.


The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Dr. Amir Levine

The entire interview transcript is at: Amir Levine Interview – Insights on Dating From A Psychiatrist And Neuroscientist

Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show

Listen to the entire interview on Blog Talk Radio: Insights From A Psychiatrist – Dr. Amir Levine Discussion – Author ‘Attached’

Listen to the entire interview on iTunes