Protect Privacy in Online Dating
Jasbina Ahluwalia asks Julie Spira and Dr. Dale Koppel: Julie, you wrote, “I’m a believer that sometimes we’re on a need-to-know basis. I wonder why sometimes people reveal information that’s rather personal in nature.”
You later wrote, “I always explain to my dates that I ration my information flow.” Tell us about that.
Protect Privacy in Online Dating: Ration Information
Yes. I ration my information flow. That’s something that I’ve done from the beginning.
We are in such a public world now with the internet. There are very few secrets if people are going to Google you.
There still needs to be an information flow that moves at a slower pace. A man really needs to put all of his cards on the table, who he is, what he does and where he works.
Protect Privacy in Online Dating: Women’s Perspective
As a woman, I feel a little more private. I ease a little bit out at a time rather than just dumping my entire life story.
Protect Privacy in Online Dating: Real Life Story
For instance, I wrote a book.
I never tell the men about my book before going on a date because they’re going to run the other way.
I might say, “Yes, I’m a published author.” They might ask, “What did you write.” I will say, “I’ll tell you about it if I meet you.”
I don’t want a man Googling me, reading my book before the date and coming to their own conclusions of who I am without even having a chance to meet me in real life.
That’s why I think it’s important to give the information out slower.
There is no reason for any woman who is divorced to have to tell a man on the phone or in an email that she hasn’t met all about her long, drawn-out divorce.
Eventually, if you’re in a relationship, it will come out.
Dr. Koppel, do you have any thoughts regarding this issue?
Dr. Dale Koppel
Protect Privacy in Online Dating: Email Is Not the Medium to Share
I definitely do. I agree with Julie that over the phone or in an email are not the places to give out information.
I also feel that there should be very few email and phone interactions before you actually meet. This may be an age thing also.
I felt that I didn’t have a lot of time to waste. I’ve always been this way in my personal life. I go with my instincts and I do believe in first impressions.
Protect Privacy in Online Dating: Real Life Comparison
If I met a man for a first meeting who I knew right off the bat that I wasn’t interested in seeing again, I would let him do most of the talking. I would not give out information about myself.
If I felt that there was some potential there, I wanted to put a lot on the table so that they would know who I was. Then we’d go from there.
I was not one to spend a lot of time with emails. I would have two emails or phone conversations at the most.
Protect Privacy in Online Dating, Progress Relationship First
I would never go out with a man who I didn’t talk to on the phone first. I was really surprised at how much you can get from a phone conversation.
Very often, I would be so turned off from that man that I would say, “It was great talking to you but I don’t think we should meet.”
My mantra was “next.” I was very much into moving on if I didn’t feel that this was the right person for me.
Julie, what do you think about that first contact online and then meeting? What do you recommend to your clients based on your personal experience in terms of emails and phone calls between the online contact and the ultimate meeting?
Protect Privacy in Online Dating, Aim for Meeting
My recommendations are very similar to Dale’s.
I tell people to send one or two emails and then a phone call. If you don’t have any phone chemistry, if there is dead air and pulling teeth, then don’t bother putting your makeup and clothes on and meeting this person.
You’re not going to have any chemistry in person. You really need to pass the email test and make sure that they’re literate and seem to be interesting. Then get to a phone call.
Protect Privacy in Online Dating, Never Give Out Home Number
Never give out your home phone number. You can give them your cell phone number. Talk for no more than 20 minutes.
It’s not a date. It’s a pre-qualifier for a date. After 20 minutes, if he’s not saying, “Let’s get together for lunch next week,” and he says, “I’ll call you again,” how many times are you going to put up with, “I’ll call you again?”
After one phone call, or two at the most, you should have a date on the calendar.
It’s really important to look at online dating as a tool to meet someone in real life. The sooner you can move your online relationship to offline, the sooner you’ll know whether there is a connection or a match.
Dr. Dale Koppel
I don’t know whether you feel the same way Julie, but I was amazed at the number of men who seemed unable to commit to a date.
Protect Privacy in Online Dating, Is He/She a Phone Pal?
I used to joke about it. I used to say, “They’re probably on house arrest.” or “They could be married.” All they wanted to do was be a phone pal. They could never come around to going out or they would commit to a date, call and say, “I can’t make it,” or “I have to be out of town.” I could not deal with that at all.
Protect Privacy in Online Dating, Test the Relationship
It’s my belief that if somebody cancels a date on you twice, there is something going on.
There is someone else. If they’re only making plans with you for weekdays and never on a weekend, there is someone else. They could be married.
That mention of the home phone number was great. The reason you say that is because people can trace a home number to an address?
Yes. Safety on the internet is one of my hot buttons. It’s very important.
Protect Privacy in Online Dating, Meet in a Public Place
I tell people when they go on dates, “Please meet in a public place. Tell a girlfriend where you’re going and who you’re going with, as much as you know about them.”
I tell all of the ladies to take a little restroom break and bring your cell phone with you.
Check in with a girlfriend and say, “My date is going really well. I’m having a nice time.” You can also check in and say, “It’s not going so well. I think I’m going to leave.”
If you ever feel uncomfortable on a date, leave. You owe them nothing.
Have you ever over shared and regretted it? Protect privacy in online dating and aim for that in-person meeting, have you felt like you’ve missed out on a relationship opportunity? Share your stories with us in the comments below.
The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Julie Spira and Dale Koppel.
The entire interview transcript is at: Julie Spira – Dale Koppel Interview – Insights In Online Dating
Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show
Listen to the entire interview on Blog Talk Radio: Navigating Online Dating: Discussion with Dr. Dale Koppel & Julie Spira
Listen to the entire interview on iTunes