Managing Communication in Marriage
Jasbina Ahluwalia asks Bhuvaneshwari Bhagat: You want to have that end goal in mind. What are some of the communication issues that you see in people who are married and are coming to you for marital counseling and are already committed to each other?
What are some of the most typical communication issues that you see?
It’s not that you’re on cloud nine and you don’t pay attention, but I think people don’t generally think beyond the time that they are in. Fair enough.
You don’t want to be so calculated and think, “How is it going to be when we actually live together? Are we going to have the same account? Can I still send money to my folks? Are we saving up for his sister’s wedding?”
Money is one aspect of it.
There are food habits and how close your parents or sisters live.
There is only so much you’re going to sit and discuss prior to your wedding.
Discovering Communication in Marriage
When you start living after marriage a life of togetherness, the first time you have a disagreement or conflict in everyday life, when you start talking to each other you realize that, “He doesn’t get me. That’s not my point. My point is not to say that your mom can’t come stay with us. My point is that I don’t want her to come into the kitchen and rearrange everything.”
There is one level where the man says, “When she comes, she helps us so much. She’s so supportive.” It’s the perspective.
Communication in Marriage: Nothing Let Unspoken
It’s about the things that you don’t think to explain.
There is also a lot of pressure with the urban lifestyles that people lead.
- Everyone is working.
- Everyone is preoccupied.
- There are only a few hours in a day that they actually leave for the two of them to communicate.
You might just have two hours of “togetherness” on a daily basis where you are not doing anything but talking with each other. That leads to a lot of pressure.
Rushing Communication in Marriage
You might think, “I only have one more hour to deal with this issue.” You are rushing. You don’t want to sit down and give it a fair thought.
It starts off with a rushed way of trying to make a point or there is a complete indifference.
They are two extreme situations typically.
Too Much Communication in Marriage?
Either they over-communicate where the other person completely shuts down or there is a complete indifference where you say, “Okay. He’s not in any way interested. Let me do what I want to do.”
Then one day, he wakes up and says, “I had no idea you were doing this with money or that with your parents. You never talk to my folks every time they call.” It adds up.
Pattern of Communication in Marriage
It’s not about one particular thing at one time. It’s mostly a pattern.
There are family issues. They add up. After 10 times of repetition, the 11th time, it becomes the biggest issue in communication.
It’s the same thing with money.
It’s the same thing with raising children and things like that.
I think it’s a pattern that goes on. At one point, someone snaps and says, “What’s going on? I’ve been trying to tell you and you don’t get it.”
In your experience with communication in marriage, do you over communicate or shut down? Share with us in the comments section below.
The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Bhuvaneshwari Bhagat.
The entire interview transcript is at: Bhuvaneshwari Bhagat Interview – Marriage & Family Counselor
Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show
Listen to the entire interview on Blog Talk Radio: Insights from an Indian Marriage & Family Counselor
Listen to the entire interview on iTunes