Lying and Physical Behavior: The Connection
I think that’s very interesting. Like you said, the timing is very important. You can’t take things in the book, attempt to apply them and notice things. You have to pay attention to the sequence of events, the interaction and the timing of everything.
Your book identifies the two biggest signs of deception. Tell us about them.
Lying and Physical Behavior: The Body Talking
The two biggest signs of deception are what I call “sleep points” and “guilt twists.” Let me explain. The first is sleep points. All deceptive behavior comes down to what we do with our bodies and our voices. With sleep points, we’re talking about what someone does with their body. A sleep point is any part of your body that is at rest when a question is asked.
Lying and Physical Behavior: Defining Sleep Points
If you’re sitting with your legs crossed, your sleep points would be:
- The one foot on the ground, your butt and back on the chair.
- Your leg might be resting on the other leg.
- Your hands are wherever they’re resting.
We’ll go back to the example that we gave. You ask this man, “What do you do on Friday nights?” You want to notice if any of those body parts that are at rest, his sleep points, suddenly wake up within that window of focus.
Lying and Physical Behavior: Body in Motion
You would say, “What do you do on Friday nights?” If you were just looking at his body within this five second window, you notice that his legs that were crossed suddenly become uncrossed.
- His back, which was leaning up against the back of the chair, comes off the back and leans forward.
- His arms, which might have been on the armrests, suddenly become lively and begin to gesture.
This awakening of sleep points, this movement of these parts of the body that were resting, wake up because of your question. This is your body’s automatic way of responding to a stressful situation.
Why would a question be stressful to you unless your answer was deceptive and you have that innate fear of being caught in your lie? It goes back to primal instincts.
A gazelle is sitting by a stream, drinking water. The lion approaches. It’s the whole fight, flight or freeze thing. It feels the stress. “Oh no. I might get caught by this lion.” It has to make a determination of what it does. The way that we all deal with stress is different. Sometimes we freeze up. Sometime we run. Sometimes we fight.
In humans, the way that you release the stress is by moving parts of your body that were at rest. These sleep points suddenly wake up.
b) Lying and Physical Behavior: The Stillness
In the reverse, you create a new sleep point. This is a little more advanced. This goes back to a strategy called your “WIN” or “What is normal behavior?” In normal ways that you answer a question, let’s say that you always gesture with your hands. Let’s say that your right hand is your predominately gesturing hand. Suddenly, you ask, “What do you do on Friday nights?”
- That hand suddenly goes to sleep.
- That hand, which always gestures, freezes and goes down onto the armrest when you give the answer.
- We’re just like animals in that sense.
When we tell a lie and we fear detection, we release the stress of that feeling by freezing up, fighting or fleeing. Usually, this involves the sleep points waking up or a new sleep point being created. That’s more advanced. That encompasses most of what is non-verbal, or physiological, deceptive behavior.
Lying and Physical Behavior: The Guilt Twists
The other big sign of deception is what I call “guilt twists.” As a generalization, women are more likely to be affected by guilt twists. Guys are more likely to use them. Here’s an example.
Lying and Physical Behavior: Guilt Twist Example
Let’s say that a woman asks a man if he’s ever had a one-night stand. The guy responds, “I can’t believe you asked me that. Do you really think I’m that kind of guy? How long have we known each other?” The woman actually feels guilty for even asking the question. The guy didn’t even answer it.
A guilt twist works extremely well for a deceptive person. When you ask someone a question, they make you feel guilty for asking it. They don’t really give you an answer. You’re less likely to broach that subject in the future.
You’re more likely to say, “Woah. They’re very sensitive to that. I clearly offended them. That’s not a road I want to go down again.” You never really got your answer. They were effectively deceptive. This is called a guilt twist.
I’ll give you one more example. Let’s go back to that example of, “What do you do on Friday nights?” The man could say:
- “What are you, my mother?”
- “Are you my secretary?”
- “Do I have to give you my schedule?”
- “Do you have to keep my calendar for me?”
That’s a very defensive answer. It’s the perfect example of a guilt twist. Think about it. Did he say what he does on Friday nights? No. He didn’t answer your question.
- Guilt twists almost always include a missing answer.
- He doesn’t answer your question.
- He makes you feel guilty for asking him the question.
- The reason that it’s called a “guilt twist” is because he twists the focus from himself back to you, the questioner. It’s so effective.
As a generalization, women will feel the guilt. They don’t want to go down that road again. They never really got the answer they wanted.
How has guilt defined your relationship? How do make a connection between his lying and psychical behavior? Give us your insights in the comments section below.
The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Dan Crum.
The entire interview transcript is at: Dan Crum Interview – Is He Lying to You?
Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show
Listen to the entire interview on iTunes