Identify Relationship Baggage

Jasbina Ahluwalia asks Cija Black, author of in Modern Love: The Grownup’s Guide to Relationships & Online Dating: It’s about awareness. Maybe someone knows that they have some relationship baggage but they’re not quite clear on what it is.

It’s hard for them to pinpoint and identify it. How do you help someone identify their baggage?



Cija Black

Identify Relationship Baggage: Patterns

You want to look at how your relationships up to this point have played out.

You might have certain problems that keep happening.


Identify Relationship Baggage: Common Problems

  • Maybe you’re with someone who is not communicating well.
  • You get jealous.
  • You don’t stand up for yourself.
  • Maybe when you get into an argument, you get really passionate about it.

You start to think about where it comes from.

You think, “Why do I do that?” You start to give some thought to behaviors that you have or maybe people who you invite into your life who aren’t really getting you where you want to be.

I think that’s the first place to start. It’s such a wide-open thing.

It’s hard to know until you talk to someone and say, “What’s worked in your relationships and what hasn’t?”

I think that’s a way to start to pinpoint them, dig through and see what’s going on.


Jasbina Ahluwalia

You want to look at your relationship and dating history. Like you said, it’s not only romantic relationships.

Once you’ve raised awareness as to your baggage, what do you do with it once you find it?


Cija Black

Identify Relationship Baggage: Is It Doing Good?

Once you find it, you have to decide if it’s doing you any good.

There may be some things in there that aren’t damaging. You also have to think, “Is this getting me where I want to go? Is this helping me have the kinds of relationships that I really want to have?”

I know people who say, “I want a relationship where I really communicate well and we have these great intellectual chats. We travel internationally.”

Then you look at the profile they wrote, and it’s written for someone who wants to party.

Sometimes people don’t realize what they’re doing. Maybe they don’t feel like they’re worthy to have the thing that they really want, and so they compromise by putting something very different in their profile.


Identify Relationship Baggage: Aware of Effects

You want to be aware of how these things are causing you problems and not helping you out.

That is the best use of identifying that baggage and figuring out, “Where do I go from here? This hasn’t been working. How do I make this work? What do I tweak a little bit so that I can find what I’m really looking for?”


Tell Us:

Can you now identify relationship baggage you may have? Are you ready to let it go? Share your thoughts with us in the comments section below.


The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Cija Black

The entire interview transcript is at: Cija Black Interview – Modern Love: The Grownup’s Guide to Relationships & Online Dating

Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show

Listen to the entire interview on Blog Talk Radio: Modern Love: The Grownup’s Guide to Relationships & Online Dating

Listen to the entire interview on iTunes