[VIDEO] First Date Sex: Why Is It A Bad Idea?
Will First Date Sex – getting down and dirty make or break your relationship?
We all know that the first date is always the most important date. After all, it’s pretty much the foundation of a new relationship. Sometimes, it goes so well that you two feel really connected and want to take things up a notch. This the moment when you’ll have to make a choice: Do you risk your budding relationship by having first date sex or wait until you’ve gone on a few more dates?
YourTango Experts – Matchmakers Paul C. Brunson, Peggy Wolman, Jasbina Ahluwalia, Michelle Jacoby, and Marla Martenson talk about why first date sex – deciding to jump right into bed after a first date is a bad idea.
First off, not only will having sex so early on leave a lasting impression on your date that you can never take back, it will possibly open you up to getting hurt. If casual sex is not what you were looking for, doing this could end up emotionally draining you. What’s worse is that it can also change you. It’s important to be prepared to deal with whatever the aftermath is. Even though there are some studies that say otherwise, it’s hard to decipher what your date’s true intentions were if he is so willing to get to the physical without the emotional.
Check out the video above to learn about why first date sex – deciding to jump right into bed after a first date is a bad idea.
—–
Paul Carrick Brunson
(00:13): Regarding First Date Sex, Every expert I know, including my mother, says no sex on the first date ever, ever, ever. Do you agree?
All
(00:25): Yes.
Peggy Wolman
(00:31): There’s no such thing as casual sex. Sex on the first date is a message right away about who you are and a lasting impression that will go from that date to every other date that you might have. It’s nothing you can take back. It’s not like something you wish you hadn’t said to someone. It is something that can only happen when you know someone and you care about them.
Paul Carrick Brunson
(00:58): You don’t have sex unless you know them and care about them.
Peggy Wolman
(1:02): Yes, if you know them and care about them. Emotionally and physically, you are connected in sex. I don’t know if you listened to Helen Fisher yesterday. Your brain and everything about you changes from having had a sexual experience. It is nothing you deposit somewhere and then go forward without.
Marla Martenson
(1:20): Also, it catapults you further along in the relationship than it is. You’re not a couple but that’s what couples do. You don’t know what to expect. He might not call. It’s just a big mess.
(1:35): There are differences between men and women. I completely agree about oxytocin, but it doesn’t affect men and women the same way. Men tend to compartmentalize more than women. I think it is possible for a guy to have sex on a first date and for it to be casual.
I think it’s more difficult for a woman to, physiologically because of the oxytocin. Unfortunately, I think a lot of women have sex on a first date or sometime later and they think that it will change something. They think, “If I have sex, the relationship will be in a different than it is.”
Really, I think we need to go back to having the emotional connection and then the sex. You have to be clear why you’re doing it. If you’re doing it to get you to a certain place in the relationship, I don’t think sex is the avenue to do it.
Paul Carrick Brunson
(2:23): You just mentioned Dr. Helen Fisher. There is David Buss. They have presented data that says, if you do have sex on a first date, it can help to keep a relationship. What would you say to those experts?
Michelle Jacoby
(2:35): No.
(2:39): I have a question about that. How long is a relationship defined? Is it a relationship for a number of months, a number of years or something long term?
Paul Carrick Brunson
(2:48): It’s a committed relationship. What they’re showing is that, over time, an effective strategy for women in terms of securing a relationship with a man is to have sex early.
Michelle Jacoby
(2:55): It’s ridiculous.
Paul Carrick Brunson
(2:58): You would tell them, “It’s ridiculous?”
Michelle Jacoby
(3:00): First of all, are you going to let someone in your body who you wouldn’t leave alone with your child, alone in your house or alone with your checkbook? It’s ridiculous. This is your body. You want to make sure that someone likes you for you and that someone is into you. I hate to say this, but there are men out there who will sleep with a woman that they have no intention of dating. There are men out there who will sleep with a woman that they’re not even really that attracted to. Do you want to be that woman?
Paul Carrick Brunson
(3:22): For the record, I have to say that there are women who will do that, too. There are women who have done that to my male clients, but I agree with you.
Marla Martenson
(3:30): I’ve talked to so many men. I’ve asked them, “What do you think about a woman who will sleep with you on a first date?” Many of them say, “I’ll do it but I think if she’s doing it with me, she’s doing that with everybody.”
Michelle Jacoby
(3:40): A man wants to feel like you picked him for a reason and that what you have is special, that not everyone gets it.
Peggy Lowman
(3:48): More important is that you, as a woman, value that what you have is special. That’s why you don’t do it.
Marla Martenson
(3:56): There’s a danger. The oxytocin is a bonding hormone. It’s a hormone that is even when you’re making out, when a woman has an orgasm or when she is going through childbirth. That is the bonding hormone that is released to bond her to that man so that they stay together for mating purposes and child rearing. That goes back millions of years.
That’s where the men get stalkers. She sleeps with you. She’s bonded to you, but for you, it was casual. You don’t call her again. She texts, “I thought you liked me. Hey, you haven’t called.” She shows up at your work. That’s where it gets crazy.
Paul Carrick Brunson
(4:32): We’re talking about sex. I think we all understand what sex is. What really is sex on the first date? Some of the data I’ve seen shows that, not only are 40% of people having sex on the first date, but you’re talking about oral sex happening at higher rates. What is the sex that you’re talking about that we should not be having on a first date?
Marla Martenson
(5:03): Full blown, baby.
Michelle Jacoby
(5:05): Whatever happened to getting to know each other and spending time together? Is that not fun enough? It’s not like we don’t have enough days in the week and year to get to that.
Paul Carrick Brunson
(5:16): I want to get specific with this. A lot of guys will come to me before a first date and say, “Paul, I don’t know what’s too much. Is it too much to kiss with tongue? Is it too much to slide my hand down behind a belt? Where is the line?”
Michelle Jacoby
(5:33): Just a passionate kiss and call it a day. All good things come to those who wait.
Marla Martenson
(5:42): You want to have something to look forward to. Then there’s that tension. Is it going to happen next time?
Paul Carrick Brunson
(5:51): We’re all in agreement with that?
All
(5:55): Yes.
Michelle Jacoby
(5:56): It’s going to be really good if you wait.
Paul Carrick Brunson
(6:00): This is what I find to be fascinating. We all agree. I agree, too. Sex on the first date is a bad move. Good things come to those who wait.
—–
What do you think?
First Date Sex: Why Is It A Bad Idea – what do you think? Share with us in the comments below.
—–
Will First Date Sex – getting down and dirty make or break your relationship?
We all know that the first date is always the most important date. After all, it’s pretty much the foundation of a new relationship. Sometimes, it goes so well that you two feel really connected and want to take things up a notch. This the moment when you’ll have to make a choice: Do you risk your budding relationship by having first date sex or wait until you’ve gone on a few more dates?
YourTango Experts – Matchmakers Paul C. Brunson, Peggy Wolman, Jasbina Ahluwalia, Michelle Jacoby, and Marla Martenson talk about why first date sex – deciding to jump right into bed after a first date is a bad idea.
First off, not only will having sex so early on leave a lasting impression on your date that you can never take back, it will possibly open you up to getting hurt. If casual sex is not what you were looking for, doing this could end up emotionally draining you. What’s worse is that it can also change you. It’s important to be prepared to deal with whatever the aftermath is. Even though there are some studies that say otherwise, it’s hard to decipher what your date’s true intentions were if he is so willing to get to the physical without the emotional.
Check out the video above to learn about why first date sex – deciding to jump right into bed after a first date is a bad idea.
—–
Paul Carrick Brunson
(00:13): Regarding First Date Sex, Every expert I know, including my mother, says no sex on the first date ever, ever, ever. Do you agree?
All
(00:25): Yes.
Peggy Wolman
(00:31): There’s no such thing as casual sex. Sex on the first date is a message right away about who you are and a lasting impression that will go from that date to every other date that you might have. It’s nothing you can take back. It’s not like something you wish you hadn’t said to someone. It is something that can only happen when you know someone and you care about them.
Paul Carrick Brunson
(00:58): You don’t have sex unless you know them and care about them.
Peggy Wolman
(1:02): Yes, if you know them and care about them. Emotionally and physically, you are connected in sex. I don’t know if you listened to Helen Fisher yesterday. Your brain and everything about you changes from having had a sexual experience. It is nothing you deposit somewhere and then go forward without.
Marla Martenson
(1:20): Also, it catapults you further along in the relationship than it is. You’re not a couple but that’s what couples do. You don’t know what to expect. He might not call. It’s just a big mess.
(1:35): There are differences between men and women. I completely agree about oxytocin, but it doesn’t affect men and women the same way. Men tend to compartmentalize more than women. I think it is possible for a guy to have sex on a first date and for it to be casual.
I think it’s more difficult for a woman to, physiologically because of the oxytocin. Unfortunately, I think a lot of women have sex on a first date or sometime later and they think that it will change something. They think, “If I have sex, the relationship will be in a different than it is.”
Really, I think we need to go back to having the emotional connection and then the sex. You have to be clear why you’re doing it. If you’re doing it to get you to a certain place in the relationship, I don’t think sex is the avenue to do it.
Paul Carrick Brunson
(2:23): You just mentioned Dr. Helen Fisher. There is David Buss. They have presented data that says, if you do have sex on a first date, it can help to keep a relationship. What would you say to those experts?
Michelle Jacoby
(2:35): No.
(2:39): I have a question about that. How long is a relationship defined? Is it a relationship for a number of months, a number of years or something long term?
Paul Carrick Brunson
(2:48): It’s a committed relationship. What they’re showing is that, over time, an effective strategy for women in terms of securing a relationship with a man is to have sex early.
Michelle Jacoby
(2:55): It’s ridiculous.
Paul Carrick Brunson
(2:58): You would tell them, “It’s ridiculous?”
Michelle Jacoby
(3:00): First of all, are you going to let someone in your body who you wouldn’t leave alone with your child, alone in your house or alone with your checkbook? It’s ridiculous. This is your body. You want to make sure that someone likes you for you and that someone is into you. I hate to say this, but there are men out there who will sleep with a woman that they have no intention of dating. There are men out there who will sleep with a woman that they’re not even really that attracted to. Do you want to be that woman?
Paul Carrick Brunson
(3:22): For the record, I have to say that there are women who will do that, too. There are women who have done that to my male clients, but I agree with you.
Marla Martenson
(3:30): I’ve talked to so many men. I’ve asked them, “What do you think about a woman who will sleep with you on a first date?” Many of them say, “I’ll do it but I think if she’s doing it with me, she’s doing that with everybody.”
Michelle Jacoby
(3:40): A man wants to feel like you picked him for a reason and that what you have is special, that not everyone gets it.
Peggy Lowman
(3:48): More important is that you, as a woman, value that what you have is special. That’s why you don’t do it.
Marla Martenson
(3:56): There’s a danger. The oxytocin is a bonding hormone. It’s a hormone that is even when you’re making out, when a woman has an orgasm or when she is going through childbirth. That is the bonding hormone that is released to bond her to that man so that they stay together for mating purposes and child rearing. That goes back millions of years.
That’s where the men get stalkers. She sleeps with you. She’s bonded to you, but for you, it was casual. You don’t call her again. She texts, “I thought you liked me. Hey, you haven’t called.” She shows up at your work. That’s where it gets crazy.
Paul Carrick Brunson
(4:32): We’re talking about sex. I think we all understand what sex is. What really is sex on the first date? Some of the data I’ve seen shows that, not only are 40% of people having sex on the first date, but you’re talking about oral sex happening at higher rates. What is the sex that you’re talking about that we should not be having on a first date?
Marla Martenson
(5:03): Full blown, baby.
Michelle Jacoby
(5:05): Whatever happened to getting to know each other and spending time together? Is that not fun enough? It’s not like we don’t have enough days in the week and year to get to that.
Paul Carrick Brunson
(5:16): I want to get specific with this. A lot of guys will come to me before a first date and say, “Paul, I don’t know what’s too much. Is it too much to kiss with tongue? Is it too much to slide my hand down behind a belt? Where is the line?”
Michelle Jacoby
(5:33): Just a passionate kiss and call it a day. All good things come to those who wait.
Marla Martenson
(5:42): You want to have something to look forward to. Then there’s that tension. Is it going to happen next time?
Paul Carrick Brunson
(5:51): We’re all in agreement with that?
All
(5:55): Yes.
Michelle Jacoby
(5:56): It’s going to be really good if you wait.
Paul Carrick Brunson
(6:00): This is what I find to be fascinating. We all agree. I agree, too. Sex on the first date is a bad move. Good things come to those who wait.
—–
What do you think?
First Date Sex: Why Is It A Bad Idea – what do you think? Share with us in the comments below.
—–
