Take Control of Dating
Jasbina Ahluwalia asks Dr. Christine B. Whelan, author of Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women: I found an excerpt of a quote from one of the SWANS. What’s great about these books is, in addition to the extensive research, you have anecdotes from different women who have had different experiences, a lot of which are success stories. That is empowering and motivating.
SWANS Take Control of Dating
I found one of the quotes from one of the SWANS that you mention in your book Marry Smart particularly compelling. It’s on the lengthier side even though it’s an excerpt but I’d still like to share it with our listeners and have you expand with any insights.
Agency: Take Control of Dating
You wrote, “Lindsay, a 38 year-old college professor reminds herself that she has agency over her life. She’s in charge, which for her, means that ‘I haven’t met the right person’ line is nonsense. ‘I wasn’t looking. I’ve met him five times. There were so many right people along the way but I didn’t choose them. Saying I haven’t met the right person shifts the blame away from me, when really, I have agency.
You’re the Author: Take Control of Dating
Every morning, you wake up and have the opportunity to write the novel. There are only two things you have to do. You have to write the novel and you have to be the star. You choose it. I’m writing a really great story and I don’t have a co-star. Why? Because I didn’t choose to write one in.’” Tell us about that. Tell us about self-awareness.
Dr. Christine Whelan
As you were reading that passage, I remember sitting in her living room as she was telling me that. I’m glad you chose that section. It’s such an empowering and wonderful way to put it.
You’re the Star: Take Control of Dating
I love this analogy of being the star of your own movie. It’s the movie of your own life. You have to be the star. You have to take ownership of the story. If you have a co-star and you’ve written one in, wonderful. If you haven’t yet, why not?
What would that co-star look like? What would you want that co-star to be?
There is that idea of “you haven’t met the right person.” It’s possible that you haven’t met the right person.
She was in her late 30s at this point. When she said that she probably met the right person five times, I might be willing to believe her. For someone who is in her mid-20s, maybe they haven’t met the right person. That’s okay.
Take Control of Dating. Agency, It’s Your Choice
This idea of agency means that it is your choice.
- It’s your choice whether you want to explore a relationship further.
- It’s your choice when you say, “He’s wearing one black and one brown sock. I could never be with him.”
- It’s your choice when you make these snap judgments about people.
I have several friends who are still single and in their late 30s. I get very frustrated with them. They write off these guys for really minor reasons.
Take Control of Dating, Be Forgiving
They say, “He made a really corny joke on the first date.” It’s your choice whether you’re going to give him another chance but I would. I had this rule when I was single that I would go out on a first date with anyone who asked.
That led to some really hilarious stories. I could have a conversation with a potted plant at this point because I went on so many awful first dates.
The reason why I had that rule was because I never did want to write off someone after five minutes. I wanted to make sure. I wanted to get to know them. That was my way of taking agency over my life, saying that I was going to experience this other person and figure out whether he was going to be right for me.
Empowering: Take Control of Dating
I think it’s a wonderful passage. It’s one of empowerment. So many single women feel that all of this is happening to them. I don’t think that’s the right attitude.
Think of yourself as making choices. Really get out there and make the choice to meet the right match.
The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Dr. Christine Whelan
The entire interview transcript is at: Dr. Christine Whelan Interview – Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women
Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show
Listen to the entire interview on iTunes