Secure Attachment Style: The Best?
Jasbina Ahluwalia asks Dr. Amir Levine, author of Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find- and Keep- Love: Your book lays out in great detail these three attachment styles. You want to be able to self-identify with one of them.
In terms of deciphering the attachment style of your partner, you mentioned that people reveal themselves early on by what they say and don’t say, do and don’t do.
What are some typical things you see in order to identify someone with the avoidant style?
Dr. Amir Levine
Someone who has an avoidant attachment style, they are the people who play games. You never know where you are with them.
You go out on one date and things are very close. Then, all of a sudden, they don’t call you. We might think, “I have to give them time.”
Most People are of the Secure Attachment Style
In the process of writing this book and interviewing a lot of people who are secure, they are very easygoing. You always know where you are with them.
At the end of the date, they will typically tell you, “I’d like to see you again. Can we make plans?” They will call you the next day.
There is not a lot of the suspense of not knowing where things are going. They are pretty open books.
Secure Attachment Style, No Mysteries
You know where things are. They can communicate how they feel very easily. They’re not afraid of being close. We all know these people. We’ve all gone out with these people. They are easy to get along with.
The majority of the population have a secure attachment style. Studies show that about 54% of the people are secure. About 25% are avoidant. About 20% are anxious. The good news is that most men and women are secure. That’s fantastic.
Fall in Love with Secure Attachment Style
In the process of writing this book, we learned to fall in love with the “secures” in this world.
We like to call them the super-mates of evolution. They’re really good in relationships. They have a sixth sense, or a gift, to be really good in relationships.
Change to Secure Attachment Style
We can change our attachment style. The easiest way to change our attachment style is if we’re with someone who is secure. They will teach us how to become more secure.
In some of the talks that we give, I give an example from video snippets from Sex and the City. There is Carrie and Mr. Big. Here is a very anxious-avoidant character match. There is another character, Steve, who is very secure. You can see how he communicates. It’s such a good example.
Appreciate Secure Attachment Style
The idea is to learn to recognize someone who is secure and learn to appreciate people who are secure.
If you are anxious, you tend to get attracted to the insecurity and not knowing. You think that these butterflies that you have in your stomach when you’re waiting for someone to call is a sign for passion and interest. Really, it’s a sign of anxiety.
People equate anxiety with love, interest and passion. It’s not true. Anxiety is just anxiety.
Are you in a relationship with a secure attachment style personality? Has that made you a more secure person? Share your experiences with us in the comments section below.
The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Dr. Amir Levine
The entire interview transcript is at: Amir Levine Interview – Insights on Dating From A Psychiatrist And Neuroscientist
Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show
Listen to the entire interview on Blog Talk Radio: Insights From A Psychiatrist – Dr. Amir Levine Discussion – Author ‘Attached’
Listen to the entire interview on iTunes