Finding The One: 3 Tips
Jasbina Ahluwalia asks Dr. Lisa Bobby, a Board Certified Life Coach: I love that. I can appreciate the value of reflective statements in terms of making someone feel understood. Sometimes we hear our partner say something and we automatically have a story about what they’re saying and meaning.
If you do a reflective statement, in case you do get it wrong, there is that opportunity to course correct so that you’re not walking around with the wrong story in your head.
Based on your experiences with both pre-marital and marital counseling, I’m sure you have some great tips for singles who are searching for life partners.
What are your top three tips for singles who are serious, commitment-minded and looking for a life partner?
Dr. Lisa Bobby
3 Tips for Finding the One
- Get To Know Someone
- Take Your Time
- Best Foot Forward
Finding The One: Pre Conceived Ideas
My biggest tip is something that we were discussing in our Love Debate experience, Jasbina.
So many people have preconceived ideas about what their partner should be. They react very strongly to little things, little clues, that people give off that might not be in line with what they think they want in a partner.
I think that so many relationships that could be absolutely wonderful never even get a chance because people judge people prematurely. They make all kinds of assumptions about people on these tiny, little clues.
Finding The One: Get To Know Someone
My number one piece of advice to people is to get to know someone first.
Be willing to talk to anyone and see what kind of person they are.
If someone creeps you out or it doesn’t feel like the right kind of fit, then of course, pass on it. Be willing to give people a chance.
If you are too quick to judge, you might really be missing an absolute gem.
Finding The One: Example
If my husband of 20 years got in touch with me through an online dating site, I might not pick his profile based on what he would write and show me as who he is.
Getting to know him, he has a heart of gold. He’s the best guy. If I had judged him on superficial appearances, I might not have gotten the chance to know that. That would be tip number one.
Finding The One: Take Your Time
Tip number two goes back to what you and I were talking about a couple of minutes ago.
Get to know people over time. The other thing that I see people do frequently is that they tend to rush into relationships too quickly.
Either they start spending lots of time with someone in a very short period of time or they start having these fantasy relationships in their mind. They make all kinds of assumptions.
It is going to take a minimum of several months of consistent dating before you get to know someone. Slow down.
Finding The One: Best Foot Forward
Third, it is very important to put your best foot forward and not to do anything that will sabotage an early relationship.
This is along the lines of Rachel Greenwald’s wonderful advice and how she coaches people not to lead with certain personal qualities that might be off-putting to others. That is wonderful advice.
Finding The One: Focus on Values
I do also think that it’s extremely important in terms of values and to be authentic in that search.
It’s much easier to have a really solid, sustainable relationship with someone who has similar values to you. These are core basic needs, desires and feelings.
This is easier than trying to have a good relationship with someone who might have very different values from you.
Finding The One: Be Authentic
While you want to put your best foot forward, also be authentic.
Don’t be afraid to talk about who you are and what kinds of things are important to you so that you and your potential date can determine whether or not you’re going to be a good long-term match.
It’s easy to like the same music and both have fun playing Frisbee golf. But values are really what will keep a relationship together for the long haul.
Will you be using these tips when you’re out their finding the one partner for yourself? Share your thoughts with us in the comments section below.
The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Dr. Lisa Bobby
The entire interview transcript is at: Dr. Lisa Bobby Interview – Relationship Patterns (and How to Overcome Them)
Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show
Listen to the entire interview on Blog Talk Radio: NetIP Spotlight- Live Your Potential: Relationship Patterns (and How to Overcome Them) – Dr. Lisa Bobby
Listen to the entire interview on iTunes