[VIDEO] Love At First Sight – Is It Possible?
Let’s be honest: is love at first sight really possible? Can you instantly know he’s “the one”?
YourTango Experts Ellen Whitehurst, Maya Ezratti, Jasbina Ahluwalia and Abby Rodman speak with YourTango Senior VP of Experts, Melanie Gorman about the phenemonen of instantaneous love, perpetuated by shows like The Bachelor. The reality competition series may be unrealistic for the rest of us, but we can use it as a teaching tool in our own dating lives.
How can we be sure he’s a good catch? Is there such a thing as being too available? Check out the video above to find out the answers!
(00:19): On TV shows like The Bachelor, we see women professing undying love to men that they barely even know. Is this even possible? Can you be in love with somebody you don’t know? How would somebody like that even know if they were in love?
(00:29): I think with those shows, it’s the way they inject competition. Really what we’re dealing with here is a fantasy of a person, a fantasy of a guy or a woman. This is not a real person. This is not a multi-dimensional, imperfect person. This is a prize, and we’re all competing for the prize. I think where love figures into that, is it possible? It may be. Yes, I think it is possible actually, but I think the competition angle makes it much less likely and there’s something else going on.
(00:58): I also think there’s a sense of sensory deprivation that’s going on there. They’re not allowed to use phones. They’re not allowed to have any exposure to anything, any news or anything outside of what’s going on in the bachelor shack or in the “overnight” room.
(1:16): Right, and you’re drinking 24/7. You’re not eating. So no. Well, wait a minute. Alright, let’s not talk about me.
(1:24): It is possible to fall in love on these shows? It is. Not everyone of the however many contestants they have are truly in love with them, especially not the ones that get kicked off the first, second, third or fourth week. For the majority, people blow it for themselves. If you have a great looking guy, or a great looking girl, don’t throw yourself at them. Everyone else is throwing themselves at the guy. Make your plan something different. Be a little bit unavailable.
If everyone is running toward him, be the one who stands afar. He’s not going to look at the cattle herd running toward him. He’s going to think, “Who’s that one girl who doesn’t want me?”
(1:56): I think there’s also this element of wanting the celebrity and this attention. That’s obvious from going on these shows. There is something also disturbing about the way these women are publicly humiliating themselves to get the attention of this one man. There are also these rose ceremonies they have where these women are just shaking in anticipation of this man who is now the love of their lives, and they’ve only known for six weeks.
That is not to say that people can’t fall in love quickly. They can. However, it’s hard to understand how 20 women are going to all fall in love with the same man.
(2:34): They’re not even on for six weeks, most of them.
(2:37): Don’t you think that goes to the point Jasbina was making before? There are 20 women and there’s one man. What is that saying in a bigger, broader way? That’s like subliminal advertising. You’ve got to compete. You’ve got to fake. You’ve got to lower your standards. That’s the message that comes across. Also, you’ve got to be humiliated on camera because that’s good television.
(2:59): And you’ve got to be in this very unattractive competition with other women. You’ve got to endure the fact that this man is either being intimate or having sex with these other women when he’s not with you. There’s something very demeaning about it for these women. What is the broader message there? Is this what women have to endure because this is what we need to do to get the man that we want?
(3:30): It’s a false sense of hope.
(3:32): In speaking to the competition, I really think that’s a big deal here. We have The Bachelor and then we have The Bachelorette. I’d be more concerned as the Bachelorette with respect to guys as a rule tend to be competitive. There’s this projective fantasy of this woman. How is a bachelorette to really know that these guys are really about her at that point? Or does it become this intense competition?
(3:59): I think that’s true for both shows.
(4:00): It’s absolutely true for both. That was my first point.
(4:06): I’ve actually seen that in life.
(4:07): When two women compete over guys?
(4:09): But it doesn’t have anything to do with that person anymore. That’s the whole point. Are you finding love? Can you find love on these shows? Yes, I think you find a lot more lust and I think that it’s kind of set up to go against finding love when you have the whole competition angle being such a big intricate part of it.
(4:28): I think reality TV is just not something we’re going to escape from. I imagine many of us will be paying attention to next year’s Bachelor or Bachelorette show. Hopefully, for some of these women, they’ll actually come out at the end of that train wreck and find a healthy relationship. However, what a road they have to go down.
What do you think?
Love At First Sight – Is It Possible? What do you think? Share with us in the comments below.
Other videos by Melanie Gorman are at: Melanie Gorman YourTango Video Interviews – Dating & Relationships