Dr. Lisa Bobby Interview – Relationship Patterns (and How to Overcome Them)
“Relationship Patterns (and How to Overcome Them)”
Jasbina Ahluwalia interviews Dr. Lisa Bobby
A few topics Dr. Lisa Bobby addresses in this interview are:
- (1:49) Seeking Pre-Marital Counseling
- (3:15) Relationship Withdrawal: The Cycle
- (5:52) Flexibility in Young Love
- (9:10) Attachment in Relationships
- (10:49) Fix Communication with Counseling
- (12:51) Help People Listen: How To
- (15:47) Early Stages of Relationships
- (19:00) Prevent Marital Issues: 3 Steps
- (22:59) Finding The One: 3 Tips
- (27:57) Why Arranged Marriages Work!
- (32:33) Dating Wisely: 5 Tips
Dr. Lisa Bobby is a Board Certified Life Coach. She has a decade of experience helping people create more Love, Happiness, and Success in their lives.
Dr. Bobby earned a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology from the University of Colorado & a PhD in Counseling Psychology from the University of Northern Colorado. This trained her as a general practitioner therapist, and also gave her specialized training as a Marriage and Family Therapist.
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(00:47): Hello everyone and welcome to Intersections Match’s Talk Radio, a monthly holistic lifestyle show focused on the continual evolution into the best versions of our authentic selves.
This is Jasbina, your host. I’m a former practicing lawyer and the Founder of Intersections Match, the only elite national personalized matchmaking company focused on singles of South Asian descent nationwide in the US.
As a dating coach and matchmaker, I’m always interested in fresh perspectives from authors, researchers and experts to help me provide unparalleled service to our clients.
I’m very excited to welcome marriage and family therapist Lisa Bobby to our show today. I had the pleasure of sharing the stage with Lisa as fellow panelists at The Great Love Debate in Denver. I thought she’d have great insights for our listeners. On today’s show, we’ll be discussing Lisa’s insights regarding the relationship patterns she sees in her pre-marital and marital counseling practice. Welcome to the show, Lisa.
Dr. Lisa Bobby
(1:45): Hi, Jasbina. Thank you so much for having me on today. I appreciate it.
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Seeking Pre-Marital Counseling
(1:49): It’s a pleasure to have you on. What are some of the most common reasons that people seek pre-marital counseling with you?
Dr. Lisa Bobby
(2:03): I think there are two main reasons that people seek pre-marital counseling.
- Conscientious and Proactive
- In love, but feel they need work
Elaborating on Seeking Pre-Marital Counseling.
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Relationship Withdrawal: The Cycle
(3:15): What are the most common kinds of negative patterns that you see pre-marital couples engage in?
This could be couples that you work with or don’t, but you know this and you wish they would consider coming in to you.
Dr. Lisa Bobby
(3:35): There is one particular very common relationship pattern that couples very frequently fall into. It’s what is called a pursue/withdraw dynamic.
Let me explain what that means. It’s based on attachment theory. It’s the idea that people need to feel safe and secure with each other.
Elaborating on Relationship Withdrawal: The Cycle.
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(5:29): That is interesting. We had another guest who is the author of a book on attachment theory. He was talking about anxious and avoidant. Would you say that the anxious style is similar to the pursuer and the avoidant is similar to the withdrawer?
Dr. Lisa Bobby
(5:46): Yes.
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Flexibility in Young Love
(5:52): I think it’s wonderful for our listeners to hear these concepts from different people and different vantage points.
Do you see patterns at different ages or stages of life with people who are pre-marital in their 20s and early 30s versus people who are coming to you in their 50s and 60s?
Do you see differences there with respect to negative patterns?
Dr. Lisa Bobby
(6:31): I do think that, in newer relationships, people tend to be less secure in their relationships in general.
I think it takes a little bit less to set people off in newer relationships because they don’t have that history. They don’t know each other on the same level.
However, it doesn’t mean that older relationships are necessarily better off.
Elaborating on Flexibility in Young Love.
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Attachment in Relationships
(9:10): What do you think is at the root of the pre-marital problems that you see?
Dr. Lisa Bobby
(9:17): When it comes to that very common problem of the pursue/withdraw pattern, it is related to that sense of attachment.
Attachment is the glue that holds a relationship together. Whenever that attachment is disrupted is when you see people engaging in conflict, either pursuing or withdrawing.
Elaborating on Attachment in Relationships.
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Fix Communication with Counseling
(10:49): : It also helps us to have empathy for our partner. Someone coming at it with anger is one thing. But when you realize that they are feeling hurt or scared, then you can develop a sense of empathy for that. You might think, “Now I want to nurture that a little bit more.”
I know that you do pre-marital and marital counseling. In terms of marital counseling, what are some of the most common reasons are seeking that?
Dr. Lisa Bobby
(11:25): The surface problems that people are dealing with can be very different.
- It can be disagreements about parenting.
- It can be disagreements around finances, housework or people feeling threatened by someone having an outside relationship.
It can be all kinds of things. Most frequently, the problems that married couples have come down to communication.
Elaborating on Fix Communication with Counseling.
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Help People Listen: How To
(12:51): In terms of a solution to this, share how you go about repairing the fabric of a relationship to deal with the issues that are coming up to the surface.
Dr. Lisa Bobby
(13:11): There are a number of interventions that we use in marriage counseling.
One of the biggest ones is something that every single one of your listeners can do at home tonight.
That is to help people to listen.
Elaborating on Help People Listen: How To.
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Early Stages of Relationships
(15:47): Don’t worry about being the first. You’re not giving anything up. You’re actually enhancing the relationship.
I’m sure you’ve seen, the person who starts to do that is not necessarily always the same person. The other person will reciprocate.
It shows how the dynamic of a relationship can be changed by just one person taking that step.
Even if both people aren’t on board initially, one person can be on board and do that. Then, when both people see the truth in that, I imagine it can be a domino effect in a good way.
At the beginning of a relationship, sometimes there is a dynamic where people suddenly lose interest even when they seemed extremely interested before. What’s behind that?
Dr. Lisa Bobby
(16:51): That can vary a little bit, person to person.
It’s not uncommon at all for people to get spooked at the beginning of a relationship.
What often happens with that is when people start to idealize a person. They are very quick to rush into a relationship emotionally.
Elaborating on Early Stages of Relationships.
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Prevent Marital Issues: 3 Steps
(19:00): Yes. I say that there really is no substitute for time and interaction with someone. I analogize it to an onion. Don’t be so fast to rush and want to know everything right away. Allow it to be a peeling back the layers of an onion as you get to know someone.
When getting to know someone slowly, the chances of projecting your fantasies on a person is less. It’s based more in the reality of who that person is as opposed to your fantasy of who that person is in your mind.
What are some positive relationship patterns that a couple can engage in to prevent marital concerns in the future?
Dr. Lisa Bobby
(20:05): There are simple things that every couple can start doing today to make their relationship better.
- Listen to your partner.
- Validate your partner.
- Be Responsive.
Elaborating on Prevent Marital Issues: 3 Steps.
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Finding The One: 3 Tips
(22:59): I love that. I can appreciate the value of reflective statements in terms of making someone feel understood. Sometimes we hear our partner say something and we automatically have a story about what they’re saying and meaning.
If you do a reflective statement, in case you do get it wrong, there is that opportunity to course correct so that you’re not walking around with the wrong story in your head.
Based on your experiences with both pre-marital and marital counseling, I’m sure you have some great tips for singles who are searching for life partners.
What are your top three tips for singles who are serious, commitment-minded and looking for a life partner?
Dr. Lisa Bobby
(24:07): 3 Tips for Finding the One
- Get To Know Someone
- Take Your Time
- Best Foot Forward
Elaborating on Finding The One: 3 Tips.
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Why Arranged Marriages Work!
(27:57): I absolutely agree. Our listeners consist of women and men of a variety of ages and ethnic backgrounds. That said, our matchmaking and dating coaching services are focused on South Asians, mainly Indians, who are choosing to opt out of arranged marriages.
I’m wondering if, whether from your practitioner experience or while you were training and exposed to different concepts, if you have any opinions or insights regarding arranged marriages. I know it’s a wild-card question.
Dr. Lisa Bobby
(28:52): Unfortunately, in my particular practice, I have not worked with any couples in marriage counseling that have had arranged marriages. Maybe that’s a good thing, Jasbina.
I don’t have couples who are in arranged marriages showing up for marriage counseling. That might be a sign of good things.
Elaborating on Why Arranged Marriages Work!
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Dating Wisely: 5 Tips
Thank you. I appreciate you sharing all of your insights with us. I’m wondering if there is any last thought or take-home message you’d like to leave our listeners with.
Dr. Lisa Bobby
(32:33): Dating Wisely: Slowly and Open Minded
If you’re dating:
- Go slow and be thoughtful about it.
- Keep an open mind.
- Make sure that your values are aligned.
Elaborating on Dating Wisely: 5 Tips.
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(35:00): Thank you so much for joining us, Lisa. It’s been a pleasure. In case you joined us late or would like to share this show with people in your life, I’d like to remind you that today’s radio show will be archived and available as a podcast on Intersections Match’s website, which is www.IntersectionsMatch.com.
I appreciate you hanging out with us, everyone. Make sure to join us for next month’s show. Take care, everyone.
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Tell Us:
What was your favorite part of this discussion with Dr. Lisa Bobby? Tell us in the comments section below.
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