Jasbina Ahluwalia

is an Indian-American attorney turned entrepreneur, Relationship Expert, Radio Show Host and Matchmaker / Dating

Coach. She is the Founder / President of Intersections Match, the only Elite

Personalized Matchmaking & Dating Coaching Firm in the

country serving Selective Singles of South Asian descent Nationwide in the U.S. Jasbina is also the host of Intersections Talk Radio, a

monthly holistic lifestyle show featuring conversations with published authors/experts on relationships and health and wellness. For more

information, please visit

www.IntersectionsMatch.com. Feel free to submit a Question to be considered for this

column to Jasbina

directly at Jasbina@IntersectionsMatch.com.

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QUESTION

My husband and I generally get

along well. However, when we

return from work, he chooses

to read the paper instead of

interacting with me.

So I’ve started making

plans to go out with girlfriends

most weeknights after work.

We trust each other completely,

and it’s his choice to read,

so I can’t figure out why he

pouts after learning

of my plans.

ANSWER

by Jasbina Ahluwalia

Given the variety of conversations I have with men and women of

different ages and backgrounds regarding their thoughts, feelings, and

expectations with respect to relationships, as well as my research into

the ideas of published authors and experts in the field, I tend to come

across patterns.

One pattern, in particular, may be at play with respect to the issue

described in your question. This pattern is discussed by authors/

therapists Patricia Love and Steven Stosny in their insightful book How

To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. A qualifier: All

men are not identical in their thinking (just as all women are, likewise,

not identical), and there are certainly exceptions to gender-based

tendencies.

That said, what may be at play here is a difference in how husbands and

wives view security in a spousal relationship. Many husbands tend to

view their marriage as a secure base in which to relax and recharge their

batteries (as opposed to feeling the need to interact) while sharing the

same space as their wives. In other words, the comfort of merely

sharing the same space with his wife, without any compulsion to

interact directly, is oftentimes relaxing and sufficient in and of itself.

Wives, on the other hand, tend to feel secure as a result of directly inter-

acting with their husbands. Wives tend to relax through the emotional

connections they feel while interacting with their husbands.

So, when your husband chooses to read

in the evenings instead of

directly interacting, perhaps you start to feel a lack of connection which

drives you to make plans to connect with your girlfriends instead. When

you find it preferable to engage in lively social interaction with

your girlfriends rather than stay home, your husband's disapproval is

understandable, if not justified; it reflects his loss of comfort in not

having your presence, even if a passive one, by his side.

Given that you and your husband generally get along quite well, why

not brainstorm ways around this issue together? Recognizing this

difference in how the two of you define security and comfort may fuel

compromises that meet both of your needs.