[VIDEO] Storybook ROMANCE – 3 Steps To Turn Your Relationship Into One
Many people, especially men, believe that they aren’t the “romantic type” because they don’t feel like comfortable making huge romantic gestures and pronouncing their love to the world. But romance is WAY more than that.
Need some romance tips? YourTango’s Senior VP Melanie Gorman, Divorce Coach Dr. Karen Finn, Matchmaker & Dating Coach Jasbina Ahluwalia, Counselor and Therapist Dr. Pat Love, and Relationship Trainer Julie Nise discuss important ways to maintain the romantic bond between you and your partner.
Here are three steps they say will keep the romance alive:
1. Establish Emotional Security
When you are emotionally secure with your partner, you feel comfortable sharing everything, with being emotionally naked. That romantic bond then feels effortless, and you’ll naturally strive to make your partner happy.
2. Talk About What Makes You Happy
Although you have this bond, your partner can’t read your mind. Discuss what makes each of you happy so you know exactly what your partner wants — both in and out of the bedroom.
“[Romance] really goes back to an individual dynamic between you and your partner, so I think having that conversation with your partner — What really turns you on? What makes you tick? What’s important? — [goes] back to the five love languages with Gary Chapman,” explains Jasbina Ahluwalia, ”or just some real conversation about what’s important for me. I know for me, what really turns me on may not be the same as what turns my partner on …”.
3. Show Your Love
Now, that you know what actually makes your partner happy, show your love and do the things that bring your partner happiness.
According to Dr. Karen Finn, “You have to act [your love] out because if all you’re doing is, I want this. I want this. This is romantic to me, you’re not going to get anywhere, right? So sometimes you have to demonstrate and be free enough and confident enough and safe enough to do that.”
You can do anything from cooking a delicious dinner at home to sending your partner a huge bouquet of roses — any sweet gesture that undoubtedly proves your deep love for your partner.
Want MORE romance? Scroll up to the video above to hear some more great expert advice!
(00:17): How important is romance to a relationship? Is it overrated, underrated, underutilized? What do you think?
(00:26): I think romance is incredibly important. Unfortunately, it’s under developed. I have an interesting take on this. I’ve come to the conclusion that female attraction strategy to men is based on challenge and opportunity. Of course, there is chemistry and all that great stuff. The challenge is whether or not she can get the guy to do what she wants.
We all have to admit that we do that. The challenge is whether or not he’s man enough to stand up to that female manipulation. My belief is that we girls are incredibly good at manipulation. Guys, not so much. I think the more challenge a guy is, the more attracted the girl is. For example, the bad boy. Every girl loves the bad boy. It’s like a moth to a flame.
Why is that? Because we can’t control him. He’ll look at you and go on to the next one. He doesn’t care. We can’t control that. He’s not subject to manipulation. The other evidence is romance novels. I’ve never actually read one. There are probably millions of romance novels written. There is never a plot that says, “And he was kind and thoughtful. He cried at the movie with me. He would do everything I said and then my clothes fell off.” That’s not how it works. It’s always some version of the guy taking control and the girl surrendering.
(2:07): That’s Fifty Shades of Grey right there.
(2:09): Not entirely. I’m saying it in a bigger context. This notion of surrendering is a big one. It’s a very valuable skill. Unfortunately, most women surrender and they think, “I’m going to be a doormat.” That’s not what I’m talking about at all. The ability to surrender, for example, to masculine authority and leadership in terms of the marriage structure is what I’m getting at. The romance of it is when the roles are working. That structure is in place. It can be very romantic.
(2:44) I think a woman can surrender to a guy and is happy to surrender if they feel like he has things handled. He has some sense of control. She has a sense of emotional security with him. You have to be secure to be able to surrender. There needs to be some sense of emotional security. I think a mature man who really cares for a woman wants to make her happy.
Sometimes women think that the guy is a mind reader. “If he loves me, he will know exactly what to do.” I find that women need to connect the dots. Men and women think differently. Their brains are wired differently. I think it’s extremely important for a woman who knows a guy cares to know that he wants her to be happy. The best way for a woman to do that is express herself.
Don’t be demanding. Let him know. Make it easy. Set him up for success. I think that’s important. When she does that, the emotional security is there. She’s happy to surrender. I work with women who are very highly accomplished. At work, they are the leaders. They are the bosses. They want to surrender when they come home. I think it’s helpful to feel that he’s got her to do that. Feeling safe with him is an important piece of that.
(4:18): It sounds like it’s a requirement.
(4:19) I think it is a requirement to surrender. I have another take that is interesting. I think we need to redefine romance completely. Romance is super important. What I mean by romance is not dictated by Hollywood, Madison Avenue, Disney or Hallmark. It really goes back to an individual dynamic between you and your partner. Have that conversation with your partner.
Ask them, “What really turns you on? What makes you tick? What’s important?” You could go back to The 5 Love Languages with Gary Chapman or just a real conversation about what’s important. What really turns me on may not be the same as what turns my partner on. For me to assume that is not what romance is. It’s being aware with thoughtful little gestures on a regular basis that show that awareness. To me, that’s what romance is.
(5:12): You’re hitting on something here with romance. It is a connection between the two people. It does require talking but it also requires action. You have to act it out. If all you’re saying is, “I want this. This is romantic to me,” then you’re not going to get anywhere. Sometimes you have to demonstrate and be free, confident and safe enough to do that. For me, romance is critical for a relationship. It’s built on trust, connection and the willingness to explore each other in all different ways.
Dr. Pat Love
(5:52): My definition of romance is proof positive you care for me. That means you have to be paying attention. From the time we’re born, we need three to five people in our life to show up at the right time and tune in long enough to really understand us. Then they need to show in their actions that they understand. To me, that is romantic, which means we always need it in relationships.
Without that, what’s the point? This is proof positive you care for me. Eighty percent of couples who divorce or separate say, “We grew apart.” The number one cause of growing apart is withdrawing your interest and your energy. If you’re not curious or paying attention to what it is as I change and grow through life that touches my heart and I’m not paying attention, then not only is romance gone, but probably the relationship has, too.
(6:54): I feel like what I’ve heard today is that, to sustain a relationship, there has to be this element of, “I care for you beyond my need to take care of you.” That involves romance. If you’re watching and you’re a lady, help your guy to be romantic. If you’re a guy and you’re watching, be romantic.
What do you think?
Storybook ROMANCE – 3 Steps To Turn Your Relationship Into One – what do you think? Share with us in the comments below.